The Joke War
by Michelle Alexandra
Summary: Doctor & Seven. A practical joke craze aboard Voyager helps to start a relationship between The Doctor and Seven of Nine.
1. Part One

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part One

  
  


#####  Tom Paris sighed. He had just finished his shift on the bridge and he was ravenous! Making his way toward the mess hall, Tom whistled softly to himself and waved a greeting or two to some friends he passed in the corridors. He arrived at the doors and was dismayed to see that a line had formed which wound its way from the serving area around the counter, and almost to where he was standing. He was about to use one of the few replicator rations in his possesion, which he had been saving for his and B'Elanna's upcoming anniversary, but he grinned and changed his mind when he spied his best friend, Harry Kim, nearing the front of the line. Quickening his pace, he grabbed a plate and some silverware and trotted over to where Harry was standing. "Hey, Harry! So how's my best pal doing?" he called out as he inobtrusively sidled into line alongside him. Kim turned around and gave Tom a mildly confused look, but then realized what he wanted. Aiding and abetting his friend, he scuttled forward to make room for Tom in line behind him. "Thanks, Harry," Tom said in an undertone and proceeded to take his place not behind, but in front of him. Harry started to protest, but then just sighed resignedly.   
  
"So, what is this stuff?" Tom pondered aloud, while staring at the serving pots filled with lumpy brown matter.   
  
"Well, it looks like someone regurgitated whatever it was we were forced to eat yesterday," Harry answered the rhetorical question and they both laughed. Neelix, who had on a frilly white apron over his clothing and was busy boiling more of the disgusting foodstuff to keep up with the demand, shot them a dirty look.   
  
Tom took another peek at the entrée and cringed. The lumps were actually jiggling in the serving canisters, as if they were alive. "Someone ought to tell Neelix his food is about to get up and walk away," Tom countered, and Harry snickered.   
  
That was the last straw for Neelix. He dropped the utensil he was using and strode up to the counter. "Do I need to send you boys to the back of the line?" he asked threateningly.   
  
"No, sir," Harry answered for both of them, casting a sidelong glance at the smirking Tom Paris. Neelix switched his glare from Harry to Tom. "We'll be as good as gold," the latter said. "Hmph," Neelix grunted in reply and returned to his cooking. Harry let out the breath he had been holding. "Thanks a lot!" he whispered furiously. "You almost made me lose my place in line!"   
  
"Me?" Tom asked incredulously. "You started it."   
  
Regardless of the comments they had made, when Tom and Harry reached the front of the line, each of them scooped a generous heap of the whatever-it-was onto their empty plates. Then Harry went over to a replicator for some tomato juice while Tom poured himself a steaming cup of coffee.   
  
Harry returned and he and Tom looked around the room for an empty table, but there were none to be had. It seemed as if every individual on Voyager was crammed into the mess hall. Then their eyes fell upon B'Elanna and Seven of Nine seated at a table by themselves. There were several PADDs scattered on the table and the two women appeared to be working on an engineering problem.   
  
Tom and Harry walked up to their table. "May we join you?" Tom asked as he sat down beside B'Elanna.   
  
"Sure, go ahead," she replied. "Seven and I were just discussing that pesky set of EPS conduits we've been having problems with." Harry moved a few PADDs away as he placed his tray on the table and slid in beside Seven.   
  
They sat discussing the troublesome conduits for a few moments longer when suddenly Tom smacked his forehead with a loud SLAP. His companions looked toward him for an explanation. "Darn!" he said. "I forgot that I have a shift in Sickbay later today."   
  
"So? What's wrong with that?" Harry asked.   
  
"You don't spend much time with The Doctor, do you?" Tom replied with a wry grin. "He's unbearable! I know he's a hologram, but come on now! He prattles on and on about things I don't even care about, and he always has a sarcastic response for everything."   
  
At this point in Tom's enigmatic speech, Harry just happened to glance over at Seven. He was surprised to see that she looked a bit uncomfortable, as if she was feeling offended by what Tom was saying. "Um, Tom," he started to interrupt and change the subject, but Paris had already launched into additional complaints regarding The Doctor's shortcomings.   
  
Abrupty Seven stood up and opened her mouth to speak. Tom stopped what he was saying in mid-sentence. "I must go now," she said in a monotone. "I... I need to regenerate." Then she spun around and strode smoothly out of the room.   
  
Tom let out a low whistle under his breath. "Boy, what's her problem?" he muttered.   
  
Harry came to Seven's rescue. "She's friends with The Doctor, you know. Probably his best friend. You shouldn't of been talking about him like that."   
  
"You _were_ a little hard on him," B'Elanna agreed.   
  
Tom threw up his hands defensively. "Okay, okay!" he contended. B'Elanna changed the subject.   
  
A little while later Harry rose from his seat. "I'm going up for another drink," he announced, and then headed off toward a replicator whose line had thinned a bit.   
  
As soon as Harry was out of earshot, Tom exclaimed, "Yes! Now's when the fun begins."   
  
"What are you talking about?" B'Elanna asked.   
  
Tom pulled out a small plastic-wrapped package from his pocket and began to unwrap it. "I replicated some bubble gum this morning, he explained. "I chewed most of it, but there's just enough left for what I have planned." he popped the pink wad into his mouth.   
  
"You're not going to--" B'Elanna started.   
  
"Sh!" he cut her off. "Here he comes." As discreetly as possible, he pulled the gum out of his mouth, reached with one hand beneath the table, and stuck it to Harry's seat.   
  
"That's downright mean!" B'Elanna hissed. Tom shushed her again and grinned at the fast approaching Harry.   
  
Just as Tom planned, Harry sat down right on the sticky gum without so much as glancing at it. Tom and B'Elanna looked at each other and burst out laughing. "What?" Harry asked defensively. "Is there something on my face?"   
  
"Worse!" B'Elanna managed to gasp out between laughs. "Better take a look at the back of your pants," she advised.   
  
Harry shot up with such a look of alarm on his face that Tom began to laugh even harder. He was now laughing so hard that a spurt of coffee shot straight out of his nose. By now, people seated at nearby tables had turned to stare at them. Harry turned beet red. He managed to contort his body in such a way that he could clearly see the condition of his backside. There, in distinct contrast to the blackness of his uniform, clung the sticky, rubbery mass. "Very mature," he mumbled sarcastically, and then sat back down. "There's no point in trying to get it off now," he muttered. "It will only make a bigger mess."   
  
B'Elanna turned to Tom. "You'd better not try anything like that on me, or you'll be in Sickbay for good," she warned.   
  
Tom, who was still being entertained by Harry's antics, sobered up his face with a look of mock horror. "Well, I'd better be a good boy then. You know how I feel about The Doctor."   
  
Harry had more or less recovered from his embarrassment by this time. "Why don't you play one of your jokes on him instead of your best friend?" he asked sourly.   
  
"You know," Tom said thoughtfully, "you may have a point there, Harry. I bet I could get him good, too."   
  
"I know who could use a lightening up," a cheerful voice broke into their conversation. Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna turned their heads in unison toward the source of the voice. It was Neelix. He had been making the rounds with a pot of coffee and had just happened to hear the last part of their conversation. "Mr. Tuvok," he continued. "I can't even get that Vulcan to crack a smile."   
  
"Hey," Tom said with a smile. "I can sense this catching on." A few nearby crewmembers were still turned toward their table with interested looks on their faces, and were obviously eavesdropping. "I never knew I'd start a craze with one little practical joke. Listen, Neelix. I'm going to think of some interesting joke items and then design schematics for the replicators. I'll tell you when I'm done so you can pick out the perfect item to use on Tuvok. Oh, and I'll take some more of that coffee."   
  
"Thank you, Mr. Paris!" Neelix said eagerly, and refilled Tom's cup. Then he moved on to the next table.   
  
"Shouldn't you ask the captain before you make changes to the replicators and get the whole crew involved in your schemes?" B'Elanna suggested.   
  
"I agree with B'Elanna," Harry put in. "I'm sure Captain Janeway wouldn't approve."   
  
Tom let out a long sigh. "There you two go again, ganging up on me."   
  
"We just don't want to see you thrown in the brig," Harry replied with a grin. "Thirty days is a long time."   
  
Tom rolled his eyes. "Don't remind me."   
  
Their conversation was interrupted when B'Elanna was called over the comm. It was Seven. "I may have found a solution to our EPS conduit problem," she announced. "But I require your assistance. Meet me in Engineering."   
  
"I thought she went to regenerate," Tom pointed out.   
  
B'Elanna shrugged and rose from the table. "I'll see you boys later. Don't get into too much trouble, Tom." Then she left the mess hall.   
  
"I guess I'd better be going now as well," Tom said. "My shift in Sickbay starts in a few hours but I'll need a while to prepare first."   
  
"Prepare for what?" Harry asked. "You're not actually going to pull a prank on The Doctor, are you?"   
  
"Of course I am!" Tom replied as if there were no other alternative. "I can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees what I have planned." He smiled with glee at the mere thought of it.   
  
Harry shook his head. "If you're leaving now, I guess I'll go too." He wasn't quite done his meal, but didn't mind leaving the remainder.   
  
The two of them stood up and then walked together as far as the mess hall doors, where they each turned their separate ways.   
  
"See you later," Tom told his friend. "I'll give you a complete account of what happens."   
  
"I can imagine. Bye!" Harry waved and then headed off toward his quarters. 

  
  
  
  


##### END OF PART ONE

####    
  


  
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	2. Part Two

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part Two

  
  


#####  The Doctor stood in Sickbay, humming an old Earth tune to himself. It had been a quiet day for him, with only a few minor cuts and scrapes to treat. Now he was going through some storage containers in Sickbay,determining what he needed to replicate for the next day.   
  
The whoosh of the Sickbay doors opening jolted him out of his peaceful mood. Alert to a possible emergency, he turned abruptly toward the doors. The Doctor gasped at what he saw.   
  
Tom Paris stumbled into Sickbay, his progress marred by the fact that he could not see where he was going, since his bloodied head was downturned. One hand was held out in front of him, to guide him blindly on his way, and the other was clutched against the side of his head in a feeble attempt to clot the major wound.   
  
The Doctor dropped the tricorder he was holding and rushed to Tom's side. "Mr.Paris! What happened?" he queried, while helping him onto a biobed.   
  
"I... working... Delta Flyer... must have... explosion..." Tom managed to gasp out.   
  
The Doctor snatched up the closest medical tricorder and began scanning Ensign Paris. "What...? There must be something wrong with this tricorder!" he exclaimed. It was giving him normal readings on all counts. According to the device, Tom was in prime condition. The Doctor walked briskly across the room and scooped up a few additional tricorders. Again he scanned the damaged Paris, who was groaning in pain. The Doctor couldn't believe his visual subroutines. He was receiving the same readings as before from every one of the tricorders. They couldn't all be malfunctioning.   
  
The Doctor narrowed his eyes in suspicion and leaned forward for a closer look at Tom's injury. His hair was slick with the red liquid. Droplets seeped from his head onto the biobed and from there dropped one by one onto the floor.   
  
Discreetly, Tom squinted one eye open to peer up at The Doctor. Then he snapped it shut.   
  
The Doctor gingerly put pressure on the bloody area with one hand. "Does this hurt, Mr. Paris?" he inquired.   
  
"Owwww... yes!" Tom moaned.   
  
"Well, how about this?" The Doctor suddenly smacked the side of Tom's head with such ferocity that Tom yelped in pain.   
  
"Hey!" he protested. The jig was up. Tom swung his legs over the side of the biobed and sat up. The Doctor crossed his arms in satisfaction.   
  
"Mr. Paris, in all the years I've known you, you've done some pretty outrageous things to get yourself out of a Sickbay shift, but I never thought you'd do anything so... so.." he sputtered. Finally the right word came to him. "Cruel," he finished.   
  
"It was just a joke, Doc; lighten up," Tom said, surprised by The Doctor's reaction.   
  
"Lighten up?" The Doctor asked incredulously. "LIGHTEN UP?!! First you decieve me into thinking you have a life-threatening injury. Then you lead me to believe I'm going crazy. Plus, you make a mess and a mockery out of my Sickbay! You want me to LIGHTEN UP?!!!"   
  
"I'm sorry; it was just a silly prank. I had no idea you'd react this way," Tom explained genuinely.   
  
The Doctor was beginning to calm down. "I can see how, with YOUR sick sense of humor, this might have been funny. I, however, tend to take my work seriously. From now on, your practical jokes will be confined to areas other than Sickbay. Agreed?"   
  
Tom nodded solemnly. "Agreed." But then he broke into a grin. "Man, you should have seen the look on your face!" He laughed.   
  
The Doctor shook his head and turned away to hide the smile that was threatening to appear on his face. Despite his cynical and sometimes harsh demeanor toward Ensign Paris, The Doctor really did like the young man. Although he would never admit it, he felt that Tom was a refeshing change to the monotonous daily rituals aboard Voyager.   
  
"Just get to work," The Doctor said gruffly. "You can start by cleaning up that mess.'   
  
"Yes, sir!" Tom replied. 

  
  
* * * * *

  
  
"Come one, come all! Get all your practical joke items here!" Harry heard the call before he saw what the fuss was all about.   
  
He rounded the corner and was surprised to see his friend Tom seated behind a table that was just outside the door to his quarters. A number of crewmembers were huddled around the makeshift table, peering at something that held their interest.   
  
Harry, who was mildy curious by this time as to what the big attraction was, made his way closer to the table.   
  
Just then, Tom glanced up and saw Kim. "Hey, Harry!" he called out. "Am I ever glad to see YOU! Come over here and give me a hand."   
  
"What's going on?" Harry replied. Tom started to answer but then his attention was drawn away by a "customer" who had gotten too grabby for his liking. Curiosity steadily increasing, Harry excuse me'd his way closer until he was standing directly in front of the table. He could now see what the fuss was all about.   
  
Strewn across the table were various types of practical joke items à la Tom Paris. Realistic-looking prosthetic bloody fingers with nails poking through them were situated next to oversized rubber snakes and large hairy insects. There was a whole area of the table reserved primarily forjoke foodstuff; delicious looking but vile tasting candies and fake ice cubes with flies trapped inside, among other things.   
  
Harry squeezed past to the other side of the table and took a seat next to Tom. He waited until Paris was finished with his current customer, and then asked, "What are you doing?"   
  
Tom turned to him and grinned. "Supply and demand, Harry!" he explained. "I've found a fun and extremely easy way of earning some extra rations. And it involves doing what I do best: mischeif."   
  
Harry was stil confused. "And exactly HOW are you making rations off of this?"   
  
"Are you blind?" Tom replied. "Look around! This booth is swamped. It cost me one ration to make each of these items. I'm selling them for two. That's a 100% profit! I'll be rich in no time!"   
  
Harry was unconvinced. "Did you talk to the Captain about this?"   
  
"As a matter of fact..." Tom started, but was cut off by the arrival of Commander Chakotay. He had a disturbed look on his face.   
  
Tom smiled and turned toward him. "A problem, Commander?"   
  
Chakotay merely glanced at Tom's products with a frown. "Do you have permission to be running a business on Voyager? I've warned you before..."   
  
"Relax," said Tom. "The Captain knows all about it. She even stopped by my booth a bit earlier." He turned to Harry. "Quite a big spender if I do say so myself. She was my best customer."   
  
Chakotay looked unsure. "Well, if it's all right with Captain Janeway..."   
  
"Of course it is," Tom was quick to reply. "Here, take this, compliments of Tom's Joke Shop." He handed Chakotay a pink balloon-shaped object.   
  
Chakotay grinned as he recognized what it was. "Thanks. Boy, I haven't seen one of these in years," he said wistfully. I'll see if I can put it to use." He walked away.   
  
"What was it?" Harry asked.   
  
Much to Harry's annoyance, "Ancient technology" was Tom's only reply.   
  
"So, you never told me how your prank on The Doctor went earlier," Harry pointed out, changing the subject.   
  
"Oh, that! Well, it didn't go as well as I planned. The Doc figured out something was fishy pretty much right away. But I had him for a second." Tom smiled at the memory. Then he noticed something. "Hey, we're almost out of itching powder. Can you hold down the fort while I go replicate some more?"   
  
"Hold down the what?" Harry asked, but Tom had already disappeared into his quarters. "Hey, what do I get out of it?" he called out.   
  
Tom poked his head back into the doorway. "The satisfaction of knowing you helped out a friend." he answered with a grin.   
  
Harry rolled his eyes and then turned to help the next customer. 

  
  
* * * * *

  
  
The Doctor was just as surprised as Harry had been to see the crowd outside Tom's quarters. He ventured forward for a closer look and caught a glimpse of Harry Kim sitting behind a table with a sour look on his face. He took one look at the joke items on the table and immediately caught on. "Mr. Kim," he called out. "What are you doing here? Where's Mr. Paris?"   
  
Harry glanced up. "He told me he was just going inside to replicate some more itching powder." He looked bored. "But he's been gone too long to be doing just that. Meanwhile, I'm stuck watching his booth."   
  
"I can see that," The Doctor commented. He turned to stare at the woman next to him, who had her arms laden with items. "So, what's good here?" he asked, turning back to Kim.   
  
Harry thought for a second and replied, "Unfortunately, I haven't had any first-hand experience being the victim of any of these pranks, so I can't recommend any, but the itching powder and spiders are our biggest sellers."   
  
"Hmm..." The Doctor reached down and picked up one of the rubber spiders by a leg. It dangled for a second, and then he let it drop back onto the table. "Not exactly what I'm looking for. What else have you got?"   
  
Harry spent the next few minutes pointing out Tom's other items. Finally The Doctor settled on an ice cube with a fly in it and a vial of disappearing ink. (He was also going to buy some green goo, but he had run out of rations.)   
  
Just as The Doctor was turning to leave, Tom re-emerged from the room. "Hey, Doc!" he called out, and The Doctor returned to the table. "I didn't expect to see YOU here."   
  
"Well, I was just passing by, and I saw your booth here, so I thought I'd get a few things," The Doctor explained.   
  
"Mmm-hm." Tom looked skeptical. "I thought you said there would be no prank-pulling in Sickbay."   
  
"Oh, these aren't for Sickbay," The Doctor was quick to reply. "Even though laughter IS the best medicine. I'm going to use the ice cube on Neelix, and I'm not quite sure yet, but I was thinking of using the ink on Ensign Ballard. That man is too fussy for his own good."   
  
Tom laughed at the irony of The Doctor's statement. The Doc was the fussiest man--or hologram--he knew. "Okay then. Well, have fun!"   
  
"Where are you going now?" Harry asked.   
  
"Oh, just the holodeck," The Doctor replied cheerfully.   
  
"You know, that reminds me. I was going to ask you about this earlier, but I forgot." Harry paused for a second, and then continued. "I was helping B'Elanna work on the holodeck yesterday. There was a problem with another one of the holoemitters. It's the fourth one that's been blown out this month. B'Elanna was checking through some programs, and she noticed that your program has been running every time one blows out."   
  
The Doctor looked like he was in shock. "Are you okay?" Tom asked.   
  
The Doctor ignored him. "She ran my program...?" he asked Harry slowly.   
  
Ensign Kim shook his head. "No, I don't think she actually ran it. I guess it doesn't matter now, anyway. B'Elanna finally figured out the problem. It wasn't your program's fault after all. But I noticed you've been on the holodeck every single day for hours at a time. I hope you're not suffering from holo-addiction!" he joked.   
  
The Doctor tried to compose himself. "I don't need a lecture from you, Harry Kim!" he exclaimed, and then pushed his way into the crowd. Several people turned to look at him, wondering the reason for his angry outburst.   
  
"Well, that was weird," Tom commented, after exchanging a glance with Harry. "I wonder why he was so nervous about his program." He looked down at the table. "Look, he forgot his purchases."   
  
Tom picked up the plastic sack and got up from his chair. "I'll go see if I can catch up with him. You don't mind staying here, do you?"   
  
Before Harry could object, Tom had already made it through the crowd and was on his way down the corridor toward Holodeck One. 

  
  
* * * * *

  
  
Tom jogged down the hall with The Doctor's bag, but by the time he arrived at the holodeck doors, they were already closed. He stopped to catch his breath and then considered beeping at the doors for The Doctor to let him in, but decided not to. The hologram had blown up at Harry just for making a simple joke. Imagine what he might do to him!   
  
The Doctor's actions had made Tom curious about one thing: the contents of his holodeck program. If he had reacted so strongly, it must mean he had programmed something he didn't want anyone else to know about. This idea intrigued Tom, and he was up to the challenge.   
  
Speaking aloud, he asked, "Computer, what program is currently running?"   
  
"That information is protected by an encription sequence," was the reply. "Do you wish to continue?"   
  
"No." Tom knew it wouldn't be that easy to find out The Doctor's secret. If he had the name of the program, he could simply recall it from the memory buffer later. But the failure gave him an idea. Now if only he could convince B'Elanna to go along with his plan... 

  
  
* * * * *

  
  
"Absolutely not!" was B'Elanna's reply after hearing Tom's suggestion. "What The Doctor does in the holodeck is his private business. I'm not going to help you ruin that for him."   
  
"But B'Elanna," Tom pressed, "You should have seen the way he acted! The Doctor has a dirty little secret, and I want to find out what it is. No one else has to know; just you, me and Harry."   
  
"Harry!" B'Elanna exclaimed. "You haven't dragged him into this, have you?"   
  
"Not yet," Tom replied. "Look, B'Elanna, no matter what you say, I'm still going to find some way to get a look at that program. The only difference is that it will go a lot faster with your help." He put on his best puppy-dog face and waited for her response.   
  
B'Elanna sighed in resignation. "Fine! I'll do it. I'll see if I can bring up The Doctor's program. But it won't be easy, if he's protected it like you said."   
  
Tom was overjoyed. "Thanks, B'Elanna, I knew you'd help me. And if there's anyone who can break past security passwords, it's you."   
  
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."   
  
Tom smiled and turned to leave Engineering. "Remember to let me know as soon as you've cracked the code."   
  
B'Elanna rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. "I know, I know! I'll tell you first before I go to red alert and announce my findings to the entire crew."   
  
"That's my girl!" Tom joked, and then left. 

  
  
* * * * *

  
  
Tom stopped by Sickbay before returning to his booth. He left The Doctor's purchases with the officer in charge. Then he headed back to his quarters.   
  
The crowd had thinned a bit, but there were still a good number of people cluttered outside Tom's room. He took a seat behind the table. "What's going on, Harry?"   
  
Kim looked at him with a grin. "Business is good, Tom! You're almost sold out." Indeed that was true. Only a few items remained on the table; some of the less popular items such as joy buzzers and packs of snapping gum.   
  
"Good job!" Tom congratulated him. "You're a natural businessman." He patted his friend on the back.   
  
"So, Tom, what are you going to spend all your rations on?"   
  
"Well, I thought I'd replicate something special for mine and B'Elanna's anniversary. It's in a few days, you know." He thought for a moment. "Do you think that's a good idea?"   
  
Harry smiled reassuringly. "Of course it's a good idea! It's romantic."   
  
Tom laughed. "That's exactly what I'm going for."   
  
Harry glanced up at the dwindling crowd. "Maybe it's time to call it a day," he suggested.   
  
"I think you're right," Tom agreed. He stood up and shouted, "Okay guys, the show's over! Come back tomorrow; there'll be a fresh supply!"   
  
The remaining people grumbled softly as they filed off down the hallway. Harry helped Tom bring the table inside his quarters. When they had finished, they sat down, and Tom said, "Oh, I can't believe I forgot to tell you! I convinced B'Elanna to tinker with The Doctor's holoprogram. We should know all about it in no time."   
  
As if on cue, B'Elanna's voice suddenly sounded out from Tom's commbadge. "Tom, this is B'Elanna." She sounded anxious.   
  
"Speak of the devil," Tom whispered to Harry. Kim had a look on his face that showed he did not fully approve of Tom snooping on The Doctor. Before he could say anything, however, Tom replied to B'Elanna. "Hi!" he said. "Are you done already?"   
  
"I sure am." B'Elanna's voice had a strange intonation. "I just started it up. You'll never believe what it is..."   
  
Harry and Tom exchanged a look. "We'll be right there," Paris answered. 

  
  
  
  


##### END OF PART TWO

####    
  


  
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	3. Part Three

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part Three

  
  


#####  Tom and Harry rushed down to Holodeck One where B'Elanna was waiting for them. As they approached, the heavy grey doors slid open. The two young men entered. They noticed B'Elanna standing off to the side, staring at something with a strange expression on her face. Harry followed her gaze and then stood transfixed by the sight before him. Beside Kim, Tom was also staring openmouthed.   
  
Reclining on a plush couch was Seven of Nine, but this hologram differed from their flesh and blood colleague by a few external aspects. This 'Seven's' hair fell to her shoulders in graceful waves. There were no sign of any Borg implants marring the smooth beauty of her skin. The hologram had a soft, friendly glow in her eyes that made anyone who looked into them want to get to know her better. She was clad in a silky violet floor-length gown which complimented her figure nicely. Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna had the right to stare; she was a vision of beauty. Paris whistled softly under his breath.   
  
The room was dimly lit by the light from a few dozen white votive candles, and the sweet scent of roses was in the air, undoubtably from the bouquet sitting on the table in the center of the room.. A grand piano sat off to one side.   
  
Tom and Harry could tell that B'Elanna had paused the program, since 'Seven's' mouth was partly open, as if she had been speaking. "She started to ask where The Doctor was, so I paused the program," B'Elanna confirmed.   
  
Tom shook his head in disbelief. "Boy, I knew The Doctor had a crush on Seven, but I had no idea he had it this bad!"   
  
Harry and B'Elanna turned to stare at him. "You KNEW he had a thing for her?!" Torres asked.   
  
Tom turned his eyes their way. "Well, yeah. I thought it was pretty obvious."   
  
"I had no idea," Kim answered. "I mean, I knew they were friends and everything, but..."   
  
"Does Seven know how he feels?" B'Elanna sounded doubtful.   
  
Tom shook his head no. "I told him to be straight with her, but I think he's too shy."   
  
"Either that or he's scared of rejection." Harry could sympathize.   
  
"Well, either way I think this is sick." B'Elanna gestured toward the frozen Seven.   
  
"You never know," Harry pointed out. "It could be totally innocent."   
  
"Does it look that way to you?" B'Elanna shot back. "Look at how she's dressed!"   
  
"Guys, guys," Tom calmed them down. "There's only one way to find out. Start 'er up, B'Elanna!"   
  
"No way!" B'Elanna felt that they had already seen too much. It would be downright wrong to delve deeper into the program. "You said you wanted to see what the program was, so here; you've seen it.. Now we can leave. Computer, end pr--"   
  
"Not so fast," Tom cut her off. Before Harry or B'Elanna had time to react, Tom had already given the command to continue the program.   
  
They looked on as Seven completed her question. "--octor?" she finished. "And who are you?" The hologram looked confused.   
  
"Um," Tom began, "We're just some of his friends. Were you expecting him?"   
  
'Seven' stood up and approached them. "No," she answered simply. "Well, now that you're here, may I offer you something to drink?"   
  
Harry smiled and began to say yes, but Tom elbowed him in the side. "We didn't come here for refreshments," he whispered sharply.   
  
"Okay, okay,' Harry grumbled. Then, addressing the look-alike, he said, "So, what's your name?"   
  
She smiled at him. "My name is Annika Hansen. But, please, just call me Annika."   
  
Kim smiled back. "So Annika, how long have you known The Doctor?"   
  
"Um, let's see..." The hologram tilted her head to the side as she contemplated the question. "It's been a little over a year now. Fourteen months, I believe."   
  
"That long, huh?" To Tom that seemed about right. He had first become aware of The Doctor's secret a little over a year ago, after Seven had gone on her first 'date' with Lieutenant Chapman. He must have created this program soon after.   
  
"The Doctor and I have become very close over the past year. I consider him to be my soulmate." Annika smiled dreamily. "He's so talented and incredibly handsome. The Doctor is just perfect, don't you think?"   
  
B'Elanna had been looking at the hologram with a disgusted look on her face. Now she waited until the look-alike had finished speaking and then said quickly, "I've heard enough of this. Computer, end program." The interior of the holodeck morphed into a dull grey.   
  
Tom turned around to face Harry and B'Elanna. "Well, I guess now we know why The Doctor spends so much time with this program. Who wouldn't want to be told how great you are by a beautiful woman? What an ego-booster!"   
  
Harry grinned. "Tell me about it!"   
  
B'Elanna was feeling annoyed. "I knew it would be something like this," she pointed out. "When The Doctor made himself a family on the holodeck, they were sugar-sweet also. No family is like that. He just can't seem to get anyone right. Seven is not like this at all. She would certainly never say any of those things about him."   
  
"You're missing the point, B'Elanna." Harry cleared his throat. "The holodeck is all about creating situations that would never happen in real life. Fantasies. And besides, who are you to say that Seven could never fall for The Doctor? He's a really nice guy."   
  
B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "No one's saying he's not. It's just that Seven of Nine doesn't know the first thing about love. I'm sure she's very good friends with The Doctor, but I'd be willing to bet that nothing more will come of it. Besides, he's a hologram and she's a young woman. I'm sure if she was going to go after someone it would be a man more her age; one of flesh and blood."   
  
Harry looked upset. "That's unfair and you know it, B'Elanna. The Doctor and Seven have just as much of a chance at a reationship as you and Tom had."   
  
B'Elanna looked over at Tom. "You may have a point, but I still think he's setting himself up for a major rejection."   
  
At this point Paris cut in. "Think what you want, B'Elanna, but it's anyone's guess what will happen. Don't you have a shift starting soon? It's almost 1800 hours."   
  
"Oh my goodness! Thanks for reminding me. I was so intent on unraveling your little mystery here that I lost all track of time."   
  
"Well, it would have been worth it even if you were late. Thanks a lot." Tom put his hand on her shoulder.   
  
B'Elanna looked up at him for a moment and then said, "No problem. But I'd better go." She turned to leave.   
  
"See you later!" Harry called after her. When the doors had closed, he turned back to Tom. "You know, I think I'll go now too. If I can catch Chakotay before his shift, maybe he'll have time for a game of poker first. Care to join us?"   
  
Tom didn't even pause to think about it. "Nope. I have a few more questions for our friend here. And then I have to replicate some more practical jokes for tomorrow. I want to make up some new schematics for trick tricorders. Busy night!"   
  
"Suit yourself." Harry walked out through the doors. "Bye!"   
  
Tom waved goodbye to his friend and then turned back around. "Restart the last program but keep it on paused mode," Tom said aloud to the computer.   
  
There was a sequence of beeps and immediately the holodeck returned to its former setting. In the soft ambient lighting, Annika Hansen looked beautiful.   
  
Tom paced back and forth in front of her for a few seconds, and suddenly an idea came to him. There might be a way he could help The Doctor gain some confidence about approaching Seven of Nine with his feelings. The Doc would be able to get a better idea of how she would react in real life if this simulation of her were more accurate. As she was now, Annika was much too open and friendly. The real Seven was more reserved and self-conscious.   
  
Tom felt that if he made a few changes, he could get this hologram's personality pretty close to Seven's. Their appearances also differed greatly, but he would not tinker with Annika's looks. That way, when The Doctor next activated his program, he would not not notice obvious changes until he spoke to her. Then he could get an honest reaction. Maybe if she reciprocated his feelings for her, it might even encourage The Doctor to confront Seven of Nine in real life.   
  
Tom felt very confident that with a little bit of interference on his part, The Doctor would be well on his way toward finally revealing to Seven that he cared about her. "Computer, open parameters for changes to the Annika Hansen hologram," he ordered, and the computer beeped again in response.   
  
After an additional half-hour, Paris finally felt that his work was done. Annika would now act more like her human counterpart; the real Seven of Nine. Whether or not that was an improvement was certainly arguable, but that was irrelevant. The important thing was that it was an accurate representation.   
  
Tom completed his last alteration to Annika's personality subroutines and then ordered the computer to restart the program.   
  
Just as he had suspected, the program was close to perfect. Paris spoke to the hologram for a few moments to test her out. She now acted exactly like Seven of Nine. Tom felt a shiver run down his spine. It felt kind of creepy to run a holodeck program using holograms of people you knew or worked with. Most of his programs consisted of classic 20th century cars or monsters and bad guys to fight. The last time Tom had run a program like this was about three years ago, when he had inadvertantly stumbled in on B'Elanna running a program about a Maquis uprising that contained holograms of the entire crew. He even took a turn at playing, but felt strange when he encountered a hologram of himself.   
  
Tom shut off the program once he felt satisfied with the results. He instructed the computer to reset it to its status before it was activated by B'Elanna but to integrate the new personality subroutines. Then he left.   
  


*****

  
  
"...someone to watch... over meee..." The Doctor sang softly to himself as he made his way down the corridor toward the turbolift. The old Earth tune reminded him of one of the most memorable days of his life; his first date with Seven of Nine. Actually, it wasn't really a date, at least not according to Seven, but to him it was close enough. They had danced to "Someone To Watch Over Me" on the holodeck, holding each other very close.   
  
The Doctor sighed as he remembered how romantic it had been. The experience had even encouraged him to confront Seven with his feelings for her. He went and created a holodeck program to practice on, but before he was able to hear the hologram's response, he had been interrupted by the real Seven of Nine. He realized then, as they spoke, that she did not have the same feelings for him. He would have been be a fool to tell her. Seven seemed only to think of him as a friend and mentor, but nothing more.   
  
Since that day, The Doctor had tried to keep his feelings to himself. Tom Paris knew he loved Seven, of course, but he was the only one. The Doctor had kept his holodeck program active but unused, using encription codes to protect its security. He had not meant to run it ever again, but one lonely day he went to seek solace in the holodeck. The Doctor found himself running the forbidden program. Even the hologram did not care for him in the way that he longed for, so he made a few changes. He renamed the Seven hologram Annika, and she was made to look and act slightly different.   
  
Day after day The Doctor returned to the holodeck to adjust his program, bringing it closer to perfection every time. This had been going on for a little over thirteen months. He and Annika had developed a warm relationship during that time. The Doctor visited with her almost every day, and in return she treated him with a level of warmth and kindness he had never experienced before, not even with Denara Pel. Denara had been his first love and always would be, but circumstance had pushed them apart and he had moved on.   
  
The Doctor enjoyed the time he spent with Annika, but he could never get over the feeling that something was missing. His program was just that; a program. It would never take the place of reality. Seven of Nine was still far out of reach. This thought made him feel very depressed.   
  
The Doctor stepped into the turbolift. A young blonde ensign whom he recognized as Ensign Claire Jenkins was already inside. He gave her a small smile and then said aloud, "Deck Six."   
  
Jenkins smiled back. "Hello, Doctor! How are you this afternoon?" She was as cheerful as ever, and somehow this only served to darken The Doctor's mood.   
  
"Fine," he mumbled, more to himself than her.   
  
"I'm on my way to the mess hall for a snack, if you'd care to join me," Jenkins offered.   
  
"I don't eat, remember; I'm just a hologram," The Doctor replied sharply.   
  
"I know that, silly!" she laughed. "I just thought you might want some company."   
  
"I'm not going to the mess hall," the hologram replied, softening his tone. "I'm just on my way to the holodeck."   
  
"Gonna fire up the old opera program?"   
  
The Doctor felt embarrassed. "Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact, I am."   
  
The ensign smiled. "I hear you're very talented! I'm quite the opera buff myself. We'll have to try a duet sometime."   
  
'The only woman I enjoy singing with is Seven,' The Doctor thought to himself, but he didn't want to hurt Claire's feelings, so he merely smiled. "Yes, sometime."   
  
At Deck Two, the turbolift doors slid open almost silently. "Well, here's where I get off," Ensign Jenkins pointed out. She inadvertantly brushed against The Doctor as she exited. "Oh, sorry; small turbolift," she explained, and then stepped out.   
  
"That's alright," he said.   
  
"Goodbye, Doctor." Jenkins gave one last smile and then walked off down the hallway.   
  
The turbolift resumed its course. Soon The Doctor was standing outside the doors to Holodeck Two. He hesitated; he was nervous. Yesterday, Harry had scared him into thinking that Lieutenant Torres had run his Annika program. Even after Kim assured him that she hadn't, he was so shaken that he couldn't bring himself to activate it. Instead, he used up his holodeck time placing encryption codes on each of his programs. None of the others were as controversial, of course, but The Doctor didn't like to have his privacy invaded. It was hard enough not having his own quarters.   
  
The holodeck doors opened in response to the sequence of commands The Doctor voiced. He composed himself as much as he could and then stepped inside.   
  
Annika was standing in one corner of the room, near the grand piano. As he looked on, she turned around to smile at him. "Hello, Doctor." His heart melted at the sound of her voice. Even if this hologram was no substitute for the real Seven, she still had the capability of reducing him to mush.   
  
"Hello, Annika." He began to walk toward her. "How are you today, my love?" The Doctor stood in front of the Seven look-alike and opened his arms to envelop her in a hug.   
  
A confused look spread across Annika's face as he leaned toward her. "Explain yourself," she demanded.   
  
The Doctor was taken aback. "What's wrong, Annika?" he asked, concerned.   
  
"You attempted to make a romantic advancement toward me. I do not understand your intentions." She seemed puzzled, and even a bit disturbed.   
  
The Doctor was rendered speechless. "Um, you'll have to excuse me," he muttered, and then headed for the doors.   
  
The Doctor let out a loud sigh as soon as he was safe outside the holodeck. 'This has to have been Tom's doing,' he thought to himself bitterly. The Doctor was now sure of one thing: the program had to be deleted before it was discovered by more people, including Seven herself. There was no point in retaining this useless fantasy anyway. Seven would never come to care for him as more than a friend and colleague. If Tom's interference had done one thing, it had made him realize that more than ever.   
  
"Computer, delete program, authorization Omega-Six-Four-Eight," The Doctor said aloud. He closed his eyes as he heard the inevitable beeps. He wished he would have been able to give Annika a proper explanation or at least a good-bye, but he couldn't bear to face her again.   
  
The more The Doctor thought about Tom's actions, the more angry he got. What did he think he was doing? The Doctor had half a mind to go straight to the captain to complain, but he realized that she would be curious as to the content of the program, and he did not want to have to explain himself to her.   
  
The hologram ran his hand across his forehead. He had to think. He spun around and walked back toward the turbolift, then realized he didn't know where he was going to go. The Doctor didn't have a place he could go just to be by himself. Before now, his place of refuge had been the holodeck, but that was the last place he wanted to be right now. The mess hall was out of the question. He finally decided that Sickbay would be the best choice. Perhaps it would be a slow day.   
  
The Doctor arrived at Sickbay and told the officer in charge that he was relieved of duty. Luckily there were no patients, so he walked into his office and took a seat behind the desk.   
  
Many thoughts were running through The Doctor's mind, but one stood out above all - he was in love with Seven of Nine, and it was tearing him apart. 

  
  
  
  


##### END OF PART THREE

####    
  


  
Free counters provided by [Honesty.com][1].  


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	4. Part Four

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part Four

  
  


#####  "Thanks, Mr. Paris! I'll be sure to put these to good use." Neelix grinned at Tom. He had just finished shopping at the joke booth and he was pleased with his purchases.   
  
Tom smiled back at the cheerful Talaxian. "Which one are you gonna use on Tuvok?"   
  
"Um, I haven't decided yet between the itching powder and the trick tricorder."   
  
Paris laughed. "I'm sure either one would be hilarious."   
  
"I hope s-" Neelix was interrupted by a beep that came from Tom's commbadge.   
  
"Doctor to Paris, I wish to speak with you in Sickbay right away." The Doctor's voice sounded agitated.   
  
Neelix exchanged a look with Tom. "It sounds serious."   
  
Tom shrugged and replied to The Doctor, "I'll be right there." He turned back to Neelix. "Hey, you wouldn't mind watching the booth for a little while, would you? It would be a shame if I had to close it up."   
  
"Well..." Neelix started, "I was kind of hoping to pull my prank on Mr. Tuvok right away."   
  
"Oh, that can wait," Tom replied good-naturedly. "Thanks for your help, buddy!" He turned to go.   
  
"Uh-sure thing, Tom." Neelix walked behind the table and made himself at home.   
  


***** 

  
  
Tom whistled as he walked down the hall to the turbolift. He was in a good mood. Last night during his date with B'Elanna in her quarters, he had managed to short-sheet her bed while she was in the bathroom. Her response had been worth all the trouble he went to. She had sent him a delightfully nasty comm message a few hours after their date had ended. Tom smiled as he remembered.   
  
He reached the turbolift, walked inside, and ordered, "Deck Five." The doors slid open at Deck Five and he stepped out of the small room.   
  
Tom was surprised to see The Doctor standing outside of Sickbay with his arms crossed, as if in a bad mood. "I was beginning to think you had decided not to come," he said sharply as Paris approached.   
  
Tom gave him a quizzical look. "What are you talking about? I came as fast as I could."   
  
The Doctor sighed. He motioned toward Sickbay. "Please step inside, Mr. Paris. I need to speak to you about something."   
  
Tom raised an eyebrow and followed the hologram into Sickbay. The Doctor was not acting like his usual self at all. Tom wondered if it had anything to do with the Annika program.   
  
The Doctor turned around to face Tom. "I'll get right to the point. I'm aware of the fact that you played with my holodeck program. I've been exposed. I suppose I am the laughing stock of Voyager by now." He looked so distraught that Tom actually began to feel sorry for him.   
  
"No! Of course not! I mean, the only ones who saw your program were me, Harry and B'Elanna. And you know us; we wouldn't go around spreading rumors about you."   
  
The Doctor looked relieved. "So Seven... she doesn't know..."   
  
"Well, if she does, it wasn't because of your program," Tom assured him. "Look, Doc, I already knew you liked Seven. It's not such a big deal. But your "Annika" was nothing like her. The only reason I made the changes was so you could see how Seven might react in real life."   
  
"Oh, so it wasn't just some mindless prank?"   
  
"No, no! I did it to help you, I swear!" Tom wanted to make his intentions clear.   
  
Voyager's chief medical officer shook his head and walked into his office. He collapsed into the chair and dropped his head into his hands. "Well, it worked. It made me realize that Seven will never come to care for me as more than a friend."   
  
Tom hesitated, then also stepped into the office. "Even if I made her act more like Seven, Annika's still only a hologram. You need to confront the real Seven with your feelings to get a true response."   
  
The Doctor looked up. "I could never do that. I just don't think I could take the rejection."   
  
Tom sighed. "See, there's your problem. You have no confidence in yourself. Who knows, Seven could have the same feelings for you as you have for her."   
  
"I highly doubt that," The Doctor muttered self-reproachingly. "I'm just a useless hologram. She has her pick of any man on Voyager."   
  
For reasons he couldn't explain, Tom felt compelled to help The Doctor with his problem. "You know that's not true. Seven is always choosing your company over anyone else's. If you ask me, I think she might even have a little crush on you."   
  
The Doctor gave a small smile. "You really think she might?"   
  
Tom smiled back. "Maybe. But even if she doesn't, I guarantee you'll feel much better once you've told her how you feel. You can't just keep torturing yourself without knowing for sure how she feels about you. It's well worth the risk to tell her."   
  
"Well, you've given me a lot to think about, Tom; thank you," The Doctor said, composing himself. "You can go now. I just need to be alone for a while."   
  
Tom gave a brisk nod and left Sickbay.   
  


***** 

  
  
"Back already?" Neelix was a bit disappointed to see Tom coming down the hallway. He had actually been having a fun time tending the joke booth.   
  
"Yup; I guess you can go torment Tuvok now. Which joke did you decide on? Itching powder or tricorder?" Tom asked.   
  
"Oh, neither," Neelix replied. "I've reconsidered. Just a little puff of laughing gas will have Mr. Vulcan chuckling in no time."   
  
"Well, have fun," Tom called out as Neelix bustled away.   
  


***** 

  
  
Neelix felt like a spy. For ten minutes he had been sitting in the mess hall, pretending to be immersed in reading a PADD while in reality he was watching Tuvok eat his lunch. The Vulcan was seated alone at a table across the room from him, quietly eating his Chabre Khan while also studying a PADD. Neelix took a sip of tea and watched as Tuvok nibbled on his entrée. Then the Talaxian stood up and began to walk over to Tuvok's table, a small parcel tucked safely into his palm.   
  
"Good afternoon, Mr. Vulcan!" Neelix called out as he approached the table. "Whatcha doing?"   
  
Tuvok looked up. "I am completing the report on food supply status you were assigned to. It is one week overdue, so I took on the task myself."   
  
Neelix frowned. "Was I supposed to do it this month? I don't remember." He changed the subject. "Anyway, I have a question for you. When's the last time you laughed, Tuvok?"   
  
Tuvok, who was still immersed in his PADD, looked up again, this time raising one eyebrow slightly. "I don't laugh. As you know, Vulcans learn at a young age to control their emotions."   
  
"I know, I know," Neelix nodded. "But you'll laugh when you see this!" He instantly whipped out the small canister of laughing gas he had been holding and sprayed a small amount directly at Commander Tuvok. Then he leaned back and waited for the reaction.   
  
At first there seemed to be no effect. People at nearby tables who had turned to stare began to turn back to their meals. Then a strange expression came across Tuvok's face. Neelix could tell he was strugling to hold back the laughter.   
  
"Come on, Tuvok! Laugh!" he encouraged.   
  
"Laugh! Laugh! Laugh! Laugh!" The surrounding crewmembers had again turned toward them and had begun a chant.   
  
Neelix joined the others in their chant as they watched Tuvok's face intently. The struggle raged on until Tuvok could not hold back the laughter any longer. A robust chuckle burst from his mouth. He laughed and laughed until he was out of breath, and still he laughed.   
  
Everyone else in the mess hall was also howling with laughter at the sight of Voyager's chief of security, master of controlling his emotions, overcome with glee.   
  
Even with his seemingly light mood, Tuvok glared at Neelix with his eyes. Neelix was immediately sobered and began to squirm in his chair. Abruptly, Tuvok stood up and staggered toward the mess hall doors. He was still laughing hysterically. Apparently the laughing gas would take a few moments to wear off.   
  
Neelix looked worried. He had only meant the prank to be fun; not to get Tuvok mad at him. Now the Vulcan had probably run off to tell on him. Boy, would he get it from the captain. Neelix shuddered.   
  


***** 

  
  
Tuvok headed straight to the bridge, and from there to the captain's ready room. Several crewmembers on the bridge gave him strange looks as he passed by. He took a deep breath to try to suppress his laughter.   
  
At the ready room doors, the computer announced Tuvok's prescence with a series of beeps. Janeway answered from within, "Come in."   
  
Tuvok entered with what he thought to be a semi-serious look on his face. Captain Janeway could tell immediately that something was wrong. "What is it, Tuvok?" she asked.   
  
By this time, the chief of security had his laughs mostly under control. He felt a giggle escaping from his mouth and quickly bit down on his lip to stifle it.   
  
The captain raised an eyebrow, waiting for a reply. "I have a complaint against Mr. Neelix," Tuvok said simply. "He has taken it upon himself to play childish pranks on his commanding officers."   
  
"I'm sure that's an exaggeration..." Janeway started.   
  
"I do not exaggerate," Tuvok cut her off. He paused, and then let out a sigh. "Neelix sprayed some sort of hazardous chemical compound in my face which caused my laugh reflexes to act autonomously, without my provoking them."   
  
"Laughing gas!" Janeway exclaimed with a chuckle.   
  
"Captain?" Tuvok inquired, surprised by her response.   
  
"It's perfectly harmless, Tuvok," Janeway replied with a smile. "Laughing gas was an old twentieth century prank. It causes the 'victim' to laugh uncontrollably for a few moments, but then it wears off."   
  
Tuvok pulled out his tricorder and began to scan his face. "I suppose you're right," he finally admitted. "There will be no permanent effects. But I suggest you give Neelix a proper reprimand. That kind of behavior cannot be tolerated."   
  
Janeway looked at him for a moment, and then said, "Tuvok, we have been in the Alpha quadrant for over six years. There are not many things to keep the crew amused. The holodecks help with that, but life on Voyager can still be boring at times." She paused.   
  
"Perhaps some of the crew would benefit from meditation or another quiet activity to keep them occupied," Tuvok put in.   
  
Captain Janeway shook her head. "That might be fine for you, Tuvok, but not everyone shares your interest in spiritual discovery. Playing innocent pranks gives the crew something fun to do."   
  
She walked behind her desk and reached into the top drawer. In her hand were a few small items. "We haven't had shore leave in a while, and I've been feeling a bit bored myself. Yesterday I paid a visit to Tom's joke booth and bought a few things."   
  
"I was not aware of Mr. Paris' 'joke booth'," Tuvok stated.   
  
"I wasn't aware of it myself, until I passed by on my way to the holodeck. Tom replicated a number of practical joke items and he's trading them for two rations each. The booth seems to have gathered quite a following; I went down again today and he was almost sold out!"   
  
Tuvok gave her a strange look. He was mystified by her enthusiasm over such childish toys.   
  
"Look," Janeway said, motioning for Tuvok to glance at what was in her hand. She pointed to a round silver object. "This one's called a joy buzzer. You just wind it up, slip it on your finger, like so, and shake someone's hand." She held her hand out toward Tuvok.   
  
He pulled away. "Perhaps I should stay away from practical jokes, at least for today," he explained.   
  
"Fair enough," Janeway laughed. "But try to understand: even if you don't find pranks amusing, quite a few of us do. Please try to be patient with us."   
  
Tuvok nodded. "I understand. I believe I can forgive Mr. Neelix for his use of 'laughing gas'."   
  
The captain was still smiling. "Very well, then."   
  


***** 

  
  
The Doctor sat in his office, staring aimlessly at the computer on his desk. Thoughts about what Tom had said earlier filled his mind. The Doctor wondered if he really should tell Seven the truth about his desire to start a relationship with her. It might not be such a great idea; she might be repulsed and never wish to speak to him again. But, like Tom suggested, he could be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It was like that old Latin saying, 'Carpe Diem'. Seize the day. Life wasn't worth living if you never took any chances. And if he didn't act now he might lose his nerve.   
  
His mind made up, The Doctor rose from his chair. "Computer, where is Seven of Nine?"   
  
"Seven of Nine is in Cargo Bay Two," was the reply.   
  
The Doctor extracted the holo-emitter out from underneath its clear protective dome. He attatched it to his sleeve and walked purposefully out of Sickbay. It was time for a visit to Cargo Bay Two.   
  


***** 

  
  
"Seven of Nine's Personal Log; At ten hundred hours, Mezoti attempted to frighten me with what she called a 'rubber' serpent. I was undeceived, but disturbed by the incident. At twelve hundred hours, I arrived in Astrometrics, only to find a console coated with a slimy green fluid. I found the arbitrators, Rebi and Azan, and ordered them to clean up the mess. After three uneventful hours, I had begun to think the tricks were finished, but as I walked down a corridor, Icheb stepped out in front of me and squirted a black liquid onto my clothing. I was dismayed to see that it left a dark stain, and I ordered Icheb to gather the other children and meet me in Cargo Bay Two. After changing into a new outfit, I told the children that because of their misbehavior, they would have to begin their regeneration cycles two hours earlier tonight. The children were upset with my announcement and Icheb told me to look at my stained outfit. The dark stain was gone. I was surprised, and Icheb informed me that the liquid he had sprayed at me had been 'disappearing ink',which he had acquired from Tom Paris yesterday."   
  
Seven paused as she heard a visitor announce their prescence outside the door. "End log," she said aloud.   
  
The door beeped again. "Come in," Seven called out.   
  
The doors slid open to reveal The Doctor. He walked in with a smile. "Hello Seven! How are you today?"   
  
Seven felt a smile forming on her face. She couldn't explain it, but she felt the most happy whenever she was near The Doctor. She swallowed and answered, "I'm doing well. And yourself?"   
  
"I'm just fine, thanks. So, how was your day?"   
  
Seven took this opportunity to tell The Doctor about the childrens' pranks. He laughed when she told him about the disappearing ink.   
  
"I bought some of that myself a few days ago," he mentioned.   
  
Seven looked confused. "What is the crew's fascination with these 'practical jokes'?"   
  
"It's just something fun to do. As long as no one gets hurt, practical jokes can be very amusing," The Doctor explained.   
  
Seven of Nine pondered this. "Perhaps I punished the children too harshly. I ordered them to regenerate two hours earlier tonight."   
  
"It might have been a liitle too much," The Doctor agreed. 'But they certainly could benefit from a few extra hours of regeneration, healthwise, at least. Those children never seem to sleep."   
  
"They're quite a handful," Seven commented. "I'm glad Neelix helps me watch them."   
  
After this last comment, the two of them fell silent. The Doctor remembered the reason he came to speak with Seven.   
  
He took a deep breath and began to speak, but Seven started to speak at the same time. The Doctor let out a nervous laugh. "Go ahead," he said.   
  
"I was going to ask you if you would like to do some singing on the holodeck later. We haven't spent much time together lately," she added a bit awkwardly.   
  
"No we haven't," The Doctor agreed. "I would love to. How does twenty-one hundred hours sound?"   
  
"Perfect. Now what were you going to say?" Seven waited for a response.   
  
"Um..." The Doctor started. It was the perfect time to tell her his feelings, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud. "I--I just wanted to remind you that you are due for a checkup in a few days." It was a feeble answer, he knew, but now was not the time to tell her the truth. It just didn't feel right.   
  
Seven gave him a strange look. "I never forget," she pointed out.   
  
"I know; it was just a friendly reminder," the hologram said. "Well, I guess I'll see you on the holodeck later." He started to walk away.   
  
"Goodbye," Seven called after him.   
  


***** 

  
  
As soon as he was outside, The Doctor groaned and drew a hand across his forehead. How could he have been such a coward? He shook his head as he thought of how foolish he had been. He gave one last glance at the doors to Cargo Bay Two and then turned away. 

  
  
  
  


##### END OF PART FOUR

####    
  


  
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	5. Part Five

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part Five

  
  


#####  "...so then he burst out laughing! I couldn't believe it. Everyone in the mess hall was staring at us." Neelix was standing at Tom's joke booth, telling him about his practical joke on Tuvok. "Then he stood up and left the room. That's when the joke stopped being fun. I just knew Tuvok had gone to tell the captain."   
  
"What a spoilsport," Tom put in.   
  
"I guess so," Neelix agreed, "but I felt really bad after that. Perhaps I shouldn't have used that laughing gas."   
  
"Come on, Neelix, it must have been hilarious! I wish I would have been there." Tom smiled as he imagined Commander Tuvok convulsed in giggles.   
  
"It _was_ quite funny, but afterwards I felt sorry for Tuvok. He must have been embarrassed."   
  
Tom sighed. "Vulcans don't get embarrassed, remember?"   
  
"Regardless, I brought the rest of my joke items back." Neelix held up the plastic sac in his hand. "Surely you'll have no problem with me returning these."   
  
Tom laughed and shook his head. "On the contrary. Sorry, Neelix, but rules are rules. The sign says no refunds."   
  
"What sign?" Neelix looked confused.   
  
Tom wordlessly pointed to a small cream-colored sign posted on one leg of the table. "NO REFUNDS" it read in large block letters. Then, underneath, "No shirt, no shoes, no service".   
  
Neelix narrowed his yellow eyes. "That's not fair. I didn't even see that sign."   
  
"I'm sorry, Neelix, there's nothing I can do." Tom didn't look one bit sorry.   
  
"Fine," Neelix relented. "Anyway, the second reason I came to see you was to tell you about my next talent show. I thought you'd like to be the first to know, since you're always so eager to participate."   
  
"Wow! Another one so soon! Sure, sign me up for something." Just as Neelix had suspected, Tom was excited.   
  
"Sign you up for what, exactly?" the Talaxian inquired.   
  
"Um, let's see. I have absolutely no musical talent..." Tom pondered, "...no special abilities, I can't act to save my life... I guess it'll have to be something to do with comedy. You guys are always telling me I'm funny."   
  
"True, true," Neelix chuckled. "Okay, comedy it is. Any idea what kind of comedy? Will you be telling jokes, or do you have some special miming talent I don't know about?"   
  
"I'm thinking something along the lines of a stand-up routine," Tom explained. "But I'm not exactly sure yet. I'll need some time to think about it. Just when is this talent show of yours?"   
  
"In three days."   
  
Ensign Paris widened his eyes. "Well, that doesn't give me much time to prepare!"   
  
"That's exactly why I'd better be off now to tell the others. I've replicated some invitations to give out. Here's yours, by the way." Neelix rustled through the sac he was carrying and came out with a small crumpled card with the word Tom scrawled on the outside. He handed it to Paris. "Good luck."   
  
"Thanks," Tom replied. "And I'll see you later."   
  
Neelix was already on his way.   
  


***** 

  
  
Seven of Nine stood in Cargo Bay Two. She was off duty, and was pondering what to do in the time remaining before her 'date' with The Doctor. To get some work done would be the most efficient use of her time, but for some reason Seven felt compelled to prepare for her evening on the holodeck.   
  
The thought of The Doctor made Seven inhale a deep breath. For reasons she could not explain, a rush came over her every time she thought about him. Gradually, she had come to accept these feelings of hers as an attraction to the hologram. She felt a desire to advance their relationship further romantically, but felt too nervous to tell The Doctor so. He might not feel the same way.   
  
The more Seven thought about their upcoming date, the more distressed she became. At one point in the past, she had gone to Captain Janeway for advice, and it had proved moderately helpful. Janeway had suggested she try to make The Doctor jealous by going on a date with Lieutenant Chapman. The date had been unsuccessful, but afterward she had had a nice time spending the rest of the evening with The Doctor.   
  
Seven realized that nothing would ever happen unless she came clean about her feelings, but she wasn't quite ready to do that just yet. She needed a plan; a way to know for sure whether or not the feelings were mutual. And to do that, she might again need the captain's help.   
  


***** 

  
  
The Doctor turned away from the doors to Cargo Bay Two and started off down the hallway. Almost immediately he heard a voice calling out to him.   
  
"Hey, Doc! How's it going?" The loud voice belonged to Ensign Paris. He jogged down the corridor toward The Doctor.   
  
As he got closer, Tom lowered his voice. "So, did you tell Seven?" he asked, interested.   
  
The Doctor sighed and continued walking. "No. I was too much of a coward. I had the words on the tip of my tongue, but then I chickened out. We are going singing on the holodeck later, though."   
  
"Maybe you're thinking too much into it," Tom suggested, trying to be helpful. "Have you ever thought of playing hard to get; you know, trying to make Seven jealous?"   
  
The Doctor shook his head. "No. I just assumed that the easiest way would be to tell her my feelings straight out. But as you can see, so far that hasn't worked out exactly as I planned."   
  
"You know, if Seven saw you with another woman, she just might realize she likes you."   
  
The hologram pondered this for a moment. "You really think so?"   
  
"Yeah, I do. And I think your first move should be to ignore your date on the holodeck." The Doctor started to object, but Tom held up his hand. "Just let me finish. I just happen to know someone with a huge crush on you. You could spend some time with her and then see what happens. I'll bet a pip that Seven will be green with envy before too long." Tom grinned.   
  
"You know, you might have something there." The Doctor thought for a moment. "When Seven went on her date with Lieutenant Chapman, I thought I'd die of jealousy. Perhaps if I go out with this 'secret admirer' of mine, Seven might let on how she feels about me."   
  
"Now you're getting it," Tom encouraged.   
  
"Yes, but just who is this woman who has a crush on me? I'm curious to find out." The Doctor looked at Paris, awaiting a response.   
  
"Well..." Tom started, and then paused dramatically. The Doctor's eyes widened in anticipation. "It's Claire Jenkins."   
  
"Jenkins!" For some reason, The Doctor had not expected that name. He thought perhaps it might have been Ensign Laertes, the young woman who often offered to help him out in Sickbay after she finished her duty shifts on the bridge. Often he had gotten the impression that her interest in spending time with him was more than proffessional. But no, Tom had said it was Claire Jenkins.   
  
The Doctor searched his memory for any past interactions with her. Besides their brief conversation in the turbolift the day before, there was nothing he could remember that implied her romantic interest.   
  
"Yup; she likes you all right." Tom's voice broke into his thoughts. "I overheard her telling Vorik."   
  
"Hmm... I'll have to think about it." The Doctor remained partially unconvinced.   
  
"Look, Doc, if you take only one piece of advice from me, let it be this: don't you dare go to the holodeck tonight. You're letting Seven believe she has you wrapped around her little finger. You need to rattle her confidence a bit."   
  
"Well, okay," The Doctor agreed halfheartedly.   
  
"Good. You won't regret it." With this last statement, Tom gave The Doctor a pat on the back and walked away.   
  


***** 

  
  
Seven of Nine announced her prescence outside Janeway's room by pressing the large glowing button to the side of the door. After a moment, she heard the captain's voice from within, allowing her to enter.   
  
Seven waited as the doors slid open and then stepped into the room. "Seven!" Janeway seemed genuinely pleased to see her.   
  
"Hello, Captain," Seven said warily. "May I ask your advice on something?"   
  
Janeway smiled widely. "Of course! What is it?"   
  
Seven averted her eyes for a moment. Then she took a deep breath and looked the captain straight in the eye. "It's about The Doctor."   
  
Janeway somehow managed to look both surprised and amused. "Having some trouble?" She knew all about Seven's interest in the hologram.   
  
"Not exactly." Seven tried to swallow the lump that had formed in the back of her throat. "We have a da--... a... get-together planned for this evening, but I am feeling unprepared. I'm not sure I can keep my feelings to myself any longer."   
  
"But you've told me you want to be sure he feels the same way about you before you spill the beans."   
  
"I know. But that is not likely to happen, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out."   
  
Captain Janeway looked over at Seven and saw that her eyes were red-rimmed with worry. She seemed very distraught, and Janeway was touched she had come to her for advice, even if it was not always easy being a mentor.   
  
"Seven," the older woman put her arm around the former drone. "Love is not always easy. Sometimes you just have to be honest with the object of your affection, and surprising things can happen."   
  
Seven was unconvinced. "That may be so, but I would still prefer if I knew The Doctor's position on the matter before proceeding."   
  
Janeway removed her arm and stood up. She started pacing, deep in thought. "After your date with Lieutenant Chapman last year, you told me you noticed The Doctor seemed a bit...uncomfortable. Now that sounds to me as if he were jealous. And if that's true, that could mean he likes you. If only we could get him jealous enough to admit it." She paused.   
  
Seven caught on right away. "Are you suggesting I arrange another 'date' in The Doctor's prescence?"   
  
"That's exactly what I'm suggesting. And perhaps this time you'll see some action." The captain smiled victoriously, almost as if she were talking about her own love life, rather than Seven of Nine's.   
  
"I will do as you sugg--" Seven's statement was cut short by a series of beeps from the computer, announcing someone's arrival.   
  
Janeway glanced quickly at Seven and then said aloud, "Come in."   
  
The doors slid open to reveal a smiling Neelix. "Captain! Oh, Seven, what a nice surprise!" He trotted briskly into the room and approached the two women. "I'm not interrupting something, am I?"   
  
"No, no," Janeway assured him. Seven merely shook her head.   
  
"Good. I would like to formally invite you - both of you - to the talent show I'm having in a few days. Here are your invitations." He rustled through the small white bag in his hand and produced two slightly rumpled cards. After handing them out, he continued. "Let me know if you have a special talent to share."   
  
"Will do." Janeway smiled and crossed her arms in front of her. "By the way, Neelix, I heard about your little prank earlier in the mess hall."   
  
At once the Talaxian's face fell. "Oh," he said in a small voice.   
  
"Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of!" the captain admonished him. "I think it was delightful. I just wish I could have been there." She had the same wistful look on her face that Paris had had earlier.   
  
Neelix was taken aback by this, but he soon began chuckling good-naturedly. "It _was_ pretty funny..."   
  
"I'll bet," Janeway agreed.   
  
Seven merely looked on with an air of indifference. She was not interested one bit in the practical joke craze that was spreading around Voyager like a bad case of the flu. She wanted to get back to discussing the problem at hand: her relationship with The Doctor. She cleared her throat loudly.   
  
Neelix took this as a signal to leave. He made a quick departure and once again Seven and the captain were left alone.   
  
"I hope my advice has been helpful," Janeway offered.   
  
"It has; thank you." Seven had a lot to think about before her date on the holodeck that night, and she was eager to implement her new plan. "I will begin immediately by choosing a suitable partner for this evening."   
  
"Good luck." Captain Janeway escorted her to the door.   
  


***** 

  
  
The Doctor sat in his office in Sickbay with nothing to do but think. He thought about his conversation with Seven of Nine earlier in the day, and this caused him to again mentally kick himself for being so cowardly.   
  
Then his thoughts changed to his upcoming date with Seven, and how Tom Paris had encouraged him to ignore it. Would that really help the situation? The more he thought about it, the more he began to realize that Tom had to be wrong. Surely ignoring a date with the woman he loved wouldn't remedy the situation.   
  
"Computer, what time is it?" The Doctor asked aloud.   
  
"It is twenty hundred fifty two hours."   
  
The hologram folded and unfolded his hands, in a futile attempt to keep from thinking about the fact that in eight minutes he would be standing up Seven of Nine.   
  
Finally, The Doctor came to a conclusion; he would NOT follow Tom's advice. There was no law saying he had to, and so far the young man's advice had gotten him nowhere.   
  
Pleased with his decision, The Doctor stood up and slapped the silver mobile emitter onto his upper arm. The procedure had become second nature to him now. Then he left Sickbay.   
  


***** 

  
  
The Doctor hummed a tune to himself as he neared Holodeck Two. Humming always seemed to keep him sane. He paused outside the doors to compose himself, and then entered the room.   
  
The Doctor caught a glimpse of Seven. "Hello!" he called out cheerfully, and began to approach her. He stopped short, however, when he caught sight of a third person in the room. The Doctor recognized the young man as Ensign Phillips.   
  
Seven noticed the startled expression on the hologram's face. "I hope you don't mind; I invited John to join us."   
  
"John?" The Doctor was perplexed.   
  
Seven turned to Phillips. "That _is_ your name, is it not?"   
  
"Yeah, um, it is," the ensign answered shakily. He was unaccustomed to beautiful Borg women speaking to him on a first-name basis.   
  
The Doctor felt very uncomfortable with this new development. Perhaps he should have taken Tom's advice after all.   
  
"Um, I forgot that I have to... um... replicate some more supplies in Sickbay. I don't think I'll be able to stay." It was a feeble excuse, he knew, but it would be too much for him to see Seven using _their_ time together to sing with a man other than himself.   
  
Seven of Nine gave him a strange look, and then smiled slightly. She took his behavior to mean that perhaps he was, after all, interested in her and was feeling jealous. She glanced over at Ensign Phillips, who was looking uncomfortable, but relieved by The Doctor's announcement. He was shy, and the hologram's departure meant one less person for him to have to interact with.   
  
Seven walked over to Phillips and placed her hand on his shoulder. "That is fine," she said aloud to The Doctor. "I'm sure John and I will have a very... engaging time." She looked meaningfully at the hologram, and noticed that his face was beginning to turn red. She left it at that.   
  
"Well then," The Doctor could not keep the bitterness out of his voice; "I'll speak to you later." He paused for a moment before adding, with a note of despondency, "I'm sure you two will have a lovely time together." Then he turned and walked purposefully out of the holodeck.   
  
Ensign Phillips turned to his companion. "Well, shall we begin?" 

  
  
  
  


##### END OF PART FIVE

####    
  


  
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	6. Part Six

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part Six

  
  


#####    
  
Captain Janeway sat at the desk in her quarters, sipping on a warm mug of black coffee and looking out at the stars. She was deep in thought, pondering the piece of advice she had given Seven of Nine earlier.   
  
Was it the right thing for her to have told Seven to do? Janeway wasn't sure. She often worried about her young protegé. She felt somehow responsible for Seven's well-being and tried to help her along as much as she could. "Computer, the time," Janeway demanded.   
  
"It is twenty-one hundred eleven hours."   
  
Voyager's captain sighed to herself. She wondered how the date was going. Were they still in the holodeck? Or had The Doctor left in a fit of jealous rage? She expected the latter. "Computer, locate Seven of Nine."   
  
"Seven of Nine is in Holodeck Two."   
  
"Is Ensign Phillips also in Holodeck Two?" Seven had informed Janeway that Phillips would be her 'date' for the evening.   
  
"Affirmative," came the response.   
  
"So far, so good. Now locate The Doctor."   
  
"The EMH is in Sickbay."   
  
Aha! So he _had_ left, for whatever reason. This was good news. Captain Janeway smiled as a thought came to her; a way to find out some information.   
  
It was time for a checkup.   
  


* * * * * 

  
  
"Captain! What are you doing here?" The Doctor was surprised and not especially pleased to see Janeway walk into Sickbay. He rose from his chair and approached her.   
  
The captain smiled at his forced enthusiasm. "Actually, I've come for my checkup."   
  
"Okay," was the reply.   
  
Janeway was surprised. "Aren't you going to congratulate me on being a day early? Usually I need a few reminders."   
  
"Oh. Yes; glad you could make it." The Doctor said absentmindedly as he crossed the room to get a medical tricorder.   
  
Immediately Captain Janeway was suspicious of his mannerisms. She was sure she knew exactly what was bothering him. It had to be his recent encounter with Seven and Phillips on the holodeck.   
  
Smiling coyly, Janeway removed the tricorder from The Doctor's hand and looked him directly in the eye. She decided to be direct. "How do you feel about Seven of Nine?" she asked simply, keeping her eyes upon him.   
  
"I-- uh, I don't know what you mean," the hologram stuttered, taken aback.   
  
Janeway smiled knowingly at the flustered CMO. She moved in for the kill. "Oh, I think you know _exactly_ what I mean. You and Seven seem to have grown... closer over the past few years. I'm curious to know the nature of your feelings towards her."   
  
The Doctor flushed a deep crimson. "What is this, Captain, the third degree?" he managed to get out.   
  
Janeway smiled again. She opened her mouth to pry further, but then was interrupted by the sound of the Sickbay doors whooshing open.   
  
The Doctor turned toward the entranceway, glad for the distraction. It was Neelix. The Doctor was grateful to the Talaxian for rescuing him from the uncomfortable situation.   
  
Janeway, on the other hand, was annoyed by Neelix's unscheduled appearance. She closed her mouth and handed back The Doctor's medical tricorder wordlessly.   
  
"Hello, Doctor!" Neelix called out with the enthusiasm he always seemed to have. Then he noticed Janeway. "Captain! Good evening!"   
  
"Hello, Neelix," she and The Doctor said almost in unison.   
  
The Talaxian chuckled and rustled through his plastic bag. He came out with an invitation for The Doctor and proceeded to hand it to him. Just as he did so, he caught sight of the hologram's face and could immediately tell something was bothering him. "Is there something wrong, Doctor?" he asked.   
  
"No." The Doctor answered, in a tone that implied it was none of his buisness.   
  
Neelix was not offended. "Very well, then. Anyway, there's your invitation. I'll bet you thought I forgot all about you, didn't you?" he teased.   
  
"Invitation to what?" The Doctor asked impatiently, tapping his foot.   
  
"You mean, no one mentioned it to you? I'm hosting another shipwide talent show."   
  
"No," The EMH replied with disgust. "It seems as if I'm always the last one on Voyager to know anything."   
  
"Well, you know _now_," Janeway put in. "Are you going to perform?"   
  
The Doctor shook his head. "I'll have to think about it."   
  
"Well, better think fast; the talent show is in less than three days."   
  
"Three days!" The Doctor exclaimed. "Well, I'm sorry, Neelix, my answer is no. That's just not enough time to prepare."   
  
Captain Janeway placed her hand on his shoulder. "Don't sell yourself short, Doctor. I'm sure you can come up with a little something to dazzle us with."   
  
He thought for a moment and then nodded his head slowly. "Very well," he told Neelix. "I suppose I could be ready by then."   
  
"Good, good!" The Talaxian clapped his hands together. "I'll put you down for a vocal solo."   
  
"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a duet. I'm sure I can round up a suitable partner."   
  
"Okay, a duet it is." Neelix made changes on his PADD. Then he snapped his head up. "Oh, and one more thing: the seating plan."   
  
The captain was puzzled. "Why do you need a seating plan if it's only going to be a talent show?"   
  
Neelix turned to her. "It's not going to be _only_ a talent show. It's also going to be a banquet. My finest yet! It says so right on the invitation, Captain."   
  
Janeway widened her eyes. "Oh. Well, that should be nice. Who did you seat me with?" She asked with a mischeivious twinkle in her eye.   
  
"With Tuvok and Commander Chakotay. And you, Doctor, are seated with Seven, _of course_." He let out a chuckle and gave The Doctor a knowing wink..   
  
The hologram felt enraged. "What's _that_ supposed to mean? And why do you assume we should be seated together?"   
  
Neelix took a step backward. "You... uh, ah... I don't know..." he stuttered. "I suppose... because you two always come to my shindigs together."   
  
"Well, you'll just have to seat Seven of Nine somewhere else," The Doctor told him coldly.   
  
Neelix shot a confused glance at Janeway, who merely shrugged. The Doctor's jealousy became more evident to her with every word he spoke. "Perhaps she would enjoy sitting beside Ensign Phillips," she suggested with an innocent expression on her face. As she said this, she looked over at The Doctor, who was blushing furiously.   
  
"Ensign Phillips?" repeated Neelix. "Why him?"   
  
"Oh, haven't you heard?" The Doctor told him with a sneer. "Apparently he's her new male companion." Secretly, he wondered how_Janeway_ knew about Seven and Phillips.   
  
Neelix could sense the tension in the air. "Alright; I guess I could modify the arrangement to accomodate that," he said slowly. "And who would _you_ like to be seated with?"   
  
The Doctor didn't hesitate to reply, "Ensign Claire Jenkins."   
  
"Jenkins; okay," Neelix mumbled as he pressed the buttons on his PADD. "I'll check with her, but I'm sure that would be fine."   
  
Janeway was puzzled. Jenkins? What did _she_ have to do with anything?   
  


***** 

  
  
Seven wished the pounding she felt in her head would stop. She struggled to concentrate on what John Phillips was saying to her.   
  
"...so then I told him, 'Come on now, you couldn't _really_ have caught an Andorian Salapi fish that was three feet long!' But he just wouldn't admit he was lying! He kept saying that he..."   
  
Seven tuned the Ensign out again. Apparently he was in the middle of another boring story. After The Doctor had left, they had sang a few songs, but Phillips' lack of vocal talent had left Seven wishing _he_ had been the one to leave the holodeck.   
  
After John had seen her lack of interest in singing with him, he had suggested they try another activity instead; talking. So now she found herself listening to him prattle on, telling story after story, none of which had interested her.   
  
Seven had thought that Phillips was shy and soft-spoken, but hearing him embark on lengthy tales about himself and his experiences made her change her mind. Apparently, she had misjudged him.   
  
She found her mind wandering even as she nodded at appropriate intervals in his story. Thoughts of The Doctor drifted through her mind. She recalled how they could converse for hours without her once feeling bored or out-of-place. He made her feel special and unique.   
  
Seven studied John Phillips as he spoke. It seemed almost as if she were watching him in slow-motion. His face, which she at first had perceived to hold a rugged handsomeness, now repulsed her. His too-wide mouth stretched open and closed as he droned on, accentuating every syllable with a nasal tone. His eyes, beady and close-set, goggled back and forth irritatingly, and his nose was too pointy, too sharp. The Doctor had a much nicer nose. Seven shook her head abruptly, as if the gesture could clear her thoughts. The Doctor. That is who she would rather be with right now. But instead she was here in the holodeck, wasting time listening to a stranger recount (in great detail) stories from his life.   
  
This 'date' required immediate termination.   
  
Seven stood up abruptly, causing Ensign Phillips to pause in mid-sentence. She became immediately aware of the dull radiating pain in her right foot which indicated it was 'asleep'. She wiggled it back and forth in the air.   
  
"Is there something the matter?" Phillips asked her.   
  
Seven replied as patiently as she could: "I'm afraid I must be going. I have some work to finish before my regeneration cycle."   
  
"Okay," he said, disappointment evident in his voice. "But let me know this: Are you going to Neelix's talent show?"   
  
"I plan to attend; yes."   
  
"Good." A casual smile formed on the ensign's face. "I'll see you there, then."   
  
'I certainly hope not,' was the unvoiced reponse that coursed through Seven's mind, but she replied politely, "That would be nice."   
  
Seven exited the holodeck as quickly as her legs would carry her. She didn't slow down until she was safe inside her 'room', Cargo Bay Two. Once there, the young woman breathed a heavy sigh of relief. She was glad it had been so easy to extricate herself from Ensign Phillips' prescence.   
  
The 'date' had served its purpose; it seemed that The Doctor had become jealous upon seeing her spend time with another man. That could only mean one thing: he _might_ be interested.   
  
Seven decided to report to the captain about the success of their plan. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway," she demanded.   
  
"Captain Janeway is in Sickbay," the female voice obliged.   
  
Oh. Sickbay. Well, she would just have to tell her later. But what was the captain doing in Sickbay with The Doctor? Seven hoped she wasn't meddling further. She appreciated Captain Janeway's advice about her feelings for The Doctor, but sometimes she couldn't help but wonder if making him jealous was the right way to pursue the relationship. She thought perhaps the best approach might be to confront him directly. Now if only she could find the courage to do it.   
  
But on the other hand, Seven didn't know much about relationships. The captain _must_ know what she was talking about. As far as Seven knew, she had been in many serious relationships before, including an engagement.   
  
It would be best to stick with the captain's plan.   
  


***** 

  
  
Tom Paris stood in front of the mirror in his quarters, making funny faces and telling jokes to his reflected self. He had committed himself to performing at Neelix's talent show, and now he had slightly less than seventy hours to write himself a decent stand-up comedy script. It was certainly do-able, but Tom wanted a knock-em-dead routine that would be sure to have his fellow crewmembers rolling on the floor with laughter. Needless to say, it would take every ounce of his creative energy to pump it out in the time remaining.   
  
Tom stepped away from the mirror and took a seat in front of his television set. He carelessly flipped it on and began switching channels rapidly. He passed over sporting events, commercial jingles, and various episodes of "The Untouchables" that B'Elanna had replicated for him.   
  
Suddenly Tom snapped his fingers. He'd just had a brainstorm. If B'Elanna had been able to dig up episodes of an old TV show from the 1950's, it might not be too hard to find some late 20th century comedy shows in the database. Offhand, he could think of at least two or three different 'sitcoms', as they were called, that might be worth checking out.   
  
Tom decided his first step should be to ask B'Elanna exactly how she downloaded the show data onto microchip cards to put into the TV. He switched off the set, exited his quarters and stepped into the hallway.   
  
Almost immediately, a young ensign approached him. Tom didn't recognize him, but he smiled anyway. "Hey Tom," the young man began, "When is your practical joke shop re-opening? I've finally saved up enough rations to make a decent order."   
  
Tom's smile turned into a grin. He was glad his shop had retained its popularity since its opening a few days ago. Because of its success, he had finally earned enough rations to replicate something _really_ special for his anniversary with B'Elanna. Now he only had to decide _what_ to replicate...   
  
"Tom?" The ensign, who in actuality was Ensign Cameron, broke into his thoughts. Paris had not responded to his inquiry.   
  
"Oh, sorry." Tom looked sheepish. "I guess I just got lost in thought. Um, my joke shop will be closed for a few days, until Neelix's talent show is over. Then it'll be business as usual."   
  
"Okay; great. I'll check back in a few days then." Cameron said quickly. He then waved to Tom as he trotted off down the corridor, obviously late for something.   
  
Tom shrugged and continued on his way at a leisurely pace. He was almost at the turbolift when he felt a hand on his shoulder.   
  
"Hey, Tom, didn't you hear me calling out to you?" The voice and hand belonged to Harry Kim.   
  
"Nope, as a matter of fact, I didn't." Tom grinned and patted his best friend on the back. "But now that you're here, what can I do for you?"   
  
Harry smiled. "If you're not on your way somewhere important, would you like to join me on the holodeck? I've just put the finishing touches on _the_ best holoprogram this side of the galaxy! It's hilarious. You _have_ to see it!"   
  
"I'm sure it's a real hoot," Tom replied, "but I'm afraid I'll have to take a raincheck. You see, I just got a _collosal_ idea for my stand-up act. I'm gonna watch some old situation comedy shows on my television set to get some ideas."   
  
Harry nodded his head slowly. "You know, that might not be such a bad idea. It wouldn't be too hard, either. I'm sure there are _tons_ of episodes in the database. All we'd have to do is track them down and download the data onto portable expansion cards, like the ones B'Elanna loaded "The Untouchables" onto. It might even be fun, you know, like a treasure hunt, seeing what we can dig up."   
  
Tom smiled broadly, glad his friend was getting so into his idea. "I notice you used the word 'we'. I could really use your help on this," he suggested.   
  
"Sure!" Kim beamed. He led Tom into the turbolift. "I thought you'd never ask!"   
  


*****

  
  
"There."   
  
"What?! Done already?"   
  
"Yup." Harry handed a stack of yellow plastic cards to Tom. "The full first season of 'Seinfeld', as you requested." he gave a small bow.   
  
"Harry!" Tom exclaimed, clasping his hand to his heart dramatically, "What would I ever do without you?"   
  
"No problemo, Tommy Boy. Just don't forget me when your stand-up act takes you straight to the top." Kim winked.   
  
"Hey, it might be sooner than you think. Who knows, if this routine's a success, it could lead to anything: encore performances; comedy specials broadcasted throughout the Delta Quadrant. I could even make and sell recordings."   
  
"Uh, maybe you should stick to selling practical joke items, at least for now," Harry suggested with a chuckle. "I can't exactly picture the Borg or Species 8472 lining up to get a copy of 'The Comedy Stylings Of Ensign Tom Paris'."   
  
"Hah! You laugh now, but you'll see..." Tom said. "So, anyway, I can't wait to get started on this 'Seinfeld' marathon. I saw a few of the later episodes when I was a kid, but never any of the early stuff. How 'bout joining me?"   
  
Harry looked unsure. "What is it, like, ten hours?"   
  
"More or less."   
  
"then it's out of the question. A ten-hour marathon and I'll be dead to the world by morning. Tuvok will have my head if I'm not one hundred percent alert for my duty shift."   
  
Tom rolled his eyes dismissively. "Oh come on, Harry! You know Tuvok won't care. And I could use you as a sounding board to bounce my ideas off of. You can tell me what stinks and what's pure gold."   
  
"I don't know..."   
  
"Name your price!" Tom announced. "Come on, what'll it be? Replicator rations? Holodeck hours? A share in my company?"   
  
"It's not that," Kim protested. "It's just... Oh, never mind." He sighed. "I guess missing one night of sleep can't affect me too much."   
  
"That's the spirit!" Tom encouraged. "You know, at the Academy I'd pull all-nighters all the time to cram for exams or, you know... when I had female company...."   
  
Harry held up a restraining hand. "I think I've heard enough. If we have ten hours ahead of us, shouldn't we be getting started?"   
  
"Let's get moving," Paris agreed, and they headed toward his quarters.   
  


*****

  
  
"Well, I can't find a single thing wrong with you," The Doctor told Janeway with a hint of pride in his patient. "I see you've been taking my advice and ingesting foods with a lower cholesterol content."   
  
The captain smiled slightly and nodded her head.   
  
"Glad to hear it," the hologram continued. "Well, I guess you're free to go. I'm all finished."   
  
Janeway's mood immediately picked up and she let out a deep breath. "Great! The quicker a checkup is over, the better." She swung her legs over the side of the biobed and straightened her uniform. Then she stood up and prepared to leave. She felt a small twinge of guilt tugging at her conscience for bombarding The Doctor with questions about Seven earlier, but she merely shrugged it off.   
  
"Goodbye, Captain!" The Doctor called out from his current position from across the room as she left.   
  
Captain Janeway turned and gave him a brisk nod before proceeding out the door.   
  
As soon as she was gone, The Doctor felt immediately more relaxed. He stepped away from the glowing console in front of him and tapped his commbadge. "Doctor to Ensign Jenkins."   
  
"Hello, Doctor," was the almost instantaneous reply. "How are you doing this evening?"   
  
The hologram was a bit taken aback by her overt friendliness. "I... I'm doing just fine. Thank you, Ensign."   
  
"Please, call me Claire," the feminine voice insisted.   
  
"Okay. Um, Claire..." The Doctor swallowed the lump in his throat. "Would it be possible for you to meet me down on Holodeck One in an hour?"   
  
"Ooh, sounds intriguing," Jenkins commented. "I'll be there."   
  
"I'll see you then. Doctor out." He ended the transmission quickly.   
  


*****

  
  
Claire Jenkins leapt up from her armchair and threw her hands high into the air. "YES!!!" she exclaimed. The Doctor, that hunky hologram, had invited _her_ to a date on the holodeck.   
  
With only an hour remaining before their rendezvous, Claire began to plan out her outfit for the evening. 

  
  
  
  


##### END OF PART SIX

####    
  


  
Free counters provided by [Honesty.com][1].  


   [1]: http://www.honesty.com



	7. Part Seven

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part Seven

  
  


#####  Tom and Harry arrived at Tom's quarters and entered inside. Harry immediately set to work opening the back of Tom's television set, preparing to integrate the newly replicated "Seinfeld" data. He glanced over at Paris, who was watching him work with only mild interest. "Hey, Tom," began Harry, "how about rustling us up some snacks for the marathon while I finish here?"   
  
Tom nodded in his easy-going way. "I'll get right on it." He left for the mess hall, mumbling to himself as he went. "Let's see, we'll need popcorn... Oh, _definitely_ pork rinds. They were such a hit at my Monster Movie Marathon last year…"   
  
Harry shook his head in amusement. Then he continued to work on the television. He had almost finished when a buzz sounded from the door and he heard a voice outside. "Harry! Open the door, would ya?"   
  
Harry recognized the voice to be Tom's. "Come in," he said aloud, so the computer would slide the doors open. The open doors revealed Tom Paris in the doorway. Harry saw immediately why he could not press the buttons to let himself in. Both of his hands were unavailable to do the task, as they were occupied with holding up two enormous trays laden with food.   
  
Kim's eyes widened at the sight. "Did you buy out the entire mess hall?" he asked, only half-jokingly.   
  
Tom smirked. "Very funny. We needed variety. How about giving me a hand?"   
  
They managed to place the contents of the trays onto Tom's coffee table. The small car models he kept there had to be moved, and still the food barely fit. Harry lunged for a tubular enchilada as it threatened to roll off the table and onto the floor. Besides the plate of enchiladas, there was an enormous bowl of popcorn, one almost as huge of pork rinds, a plate of nachos with melted cheese and salsa, and twenty or so small hot dogs encased in dough. ("Pigs in a blanket," Tom pointed out as Harry looked at them questionably.)   
  
Tom seemed unfazed by the amount of snacks he had acquired. "Want something to drink?" he asked Harry casually, and ambled over to his own personal replicator. "Personally, I could go for a nice cold brewsky."   
  
"Um, just a crème soda for me," Harry put in.   
  
"Alright, two beers coming right up."   
  
Harry began to protest and then gave up passively. There was no point in arguing with Tom. "I have a shift tomorrow; I don't want a hangover," he mumbled, just loud enough for Paris to hear.   
  
"You can't get drunk from one beer, silly," Tom admonished him. "It's obvious you're a real party animal."   
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Can we just get started, _please_."   
  
"_Okaayyy!_ Don't get your panties in a bunch." But they did not get started right away, because Tom insisted on enlightening his friend with the highlight of his experience in the mess hall. "You know, at first Neelix refused to let me replicate so much, but when I told him how rich I'd become, he was more than happy to accommodate me." He then handed one of the drinks to Harry, who accepted with a wary look.   
  
Just then, the door sounded again. "Come on in," Tom announced cheerily, and in stepped Neelix, bearing a large, steaming pizza with the works. Harry's mouth fell open. He couldn't believe Tom had ordered even _more_ food.   
  
"Your pizza, Mr. Paris," Neelix said aloud with a small bow.   
  
"Neelix, we were just talking about you," replied Tom. Then, to Harry, he said, "I told him to deliver our pizza when it had baked to perfection."   
  
"And perfect it is!" Neelix said gleefully. "I topped it with a whopping _seven_ types of cheese, from the traditional cheddar and mozzarella to more daring varieties like Haro and Ladersteind. And don't get me started on the meats! The violet and grey one, there, is a rare Doegariesian mountain hare. It is believed that if you eat the meat of this animal, you will---"   
  
"Thanks, Neelix," Tom interrupted him. "But when I eat food, I prefer to leave something to the imagination."   
  
"Fair enough," Neelix chuckled, and went on his way.   
  
During the Talaxian's unsequestered speech, Harry had walked back over to Tom's television and finished tinkering with it. Now he began playing the first episode.   
  
"You know why we're here? To be out, this is out..." Tom heard Jerry Seinfeld's disembodied voice blaring out from his TV set. "Hey, wait for me, would you?" he scolded Harry as he plopped himself onto the couch and grabbed for a handful of pork rinds. They watched the rest of Seinfeld's monologue in rapt silence.   
  
When it was over, Tom motioned for Harry to pause the program. Then he shook his head. "I can't use _that_ bit."   
  
Harry resumed playing the episode. The scene had changed from the comedy club to a small café in New York. Jerry was talking to a friend.   
  
"Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it; it's too high! It's in no-man's land. You look like you live with your mother."   
  
"Are you through?" The short, balding man with glasses who was sitting across the table from Seinfeld looked irritated.   
  
At this, Tom laughed. "George is my favorite!" he explained to Harry.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
Claire Jenkins glanced at herself in the full-length mirror in her quarters. Her appearance was 'sufficient', as Voyager's resident Borg, Seven, would say. But she could use a little more… Panache. A touch more flair. The short powder-blue dress she had donned was flirty to say the least, and flattering in all the right places, but still it seemed as if something was missing.   
  
Then Claire gasped as she thought of the perfect addition to her outfit. Her great-grandmother's pearls! They would be sure to make a wonderful impression on The Doctor. And she desperately wanted to impress him.   
  
Jenkins raced over to her bureau and opened the bottom drawer, where she kept the pearl necklace and earrings. Her great-grandmother had given them to her grandmother, who had in turn given them to her mother, who gave them to Claire when she was a young girl. They were a family heirloom, and she had only worn the set on _very_ special occasions, such as her first date and her graduation ceremony when she completed high school. The pearls meant a lot to her, coming from her female ancestors. She took them with her whenever she was to be away from home for a period of time, and Voyager had now become her home. Claire pulled the velour box out from behind a small holo-imaging device in the drawer. As always, the sight of the pearls took her breath away. They were genuine pearls, from real oysters, not the kind of replicated pearls that were now found in quantity on earth.   
  
She raced back over to the mirror and held the delicate ivory strands up to her neck. Stunning. Quickly, she threaded the metal hooks on the earrings into the holes in her ears and clasped the necklace closure around her neck. Then she took one last appraising glance in the mirror. The reflection was more than sufficient. She looked _fabulous_.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
The pearls seemed to do the trick. Claire walked into the holodeck, fashionably late, and was delighted to see The Doctor's eyes widen as he caught sight of her. She couldn't have asked for a better reaction. Jenkins flashed the hot hologram her most flirtatious smile and quickened her pace. The holodeck had not yet been activated, and in a way this surprised Claire. She had expected a program like Sandrine's Bar or Neelix's resort program to be running.   
  
"I thought I'd wait for you before we got started," The Doctor told her, as if in response to her unvoiced thought. "By the way, you look very nice."   
  
"Thank you. You look quite dashing yourself."   
  
The hologram glanced down at his outfit. It was his same old medical uniform; Starfleet issue. Nothing new. He smiled anyway. "Thank you. By the way, I apologize for being so vague in our conversation earlier. I meant to tell you why I requested your company."   
  
Claire looked up at him through her lashes. "I think I already know," she said breathily, summoning up her most seductive tone.   
  
He averted his eyes for a moment. "I... I'm not sure you do. I was hoping you could assist me. You see, I told Neelix that I would perform in a duet for his talent show, and I was hoping you might consider being my partner. I mean, our conversation in the turbolift the other day..." he trailed off.   
  
It wasn't quite what Claire expected. She had thought that this would be an actual _date_, but still, singing a duet with The Doctor would require hours of practice together, and the more time she could spend with him, the better. "Wow; I'm flattered," she answered. "I would love to be your partner."   
  
"Great." The Doctor seemed relieved. "Shall we start by picking a suitable song?"   
  
Jenkins agreed and they got started.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
"You know, I think I finally figured out who George reminds me of. It's been bugging me all night." Harry told Tom. They were on the last episode of the marathon, and both young men were very drowsy.   
  
"Who?"   
  
"Do you remember that alien we dealt with a while back, that really smart one who would solve problems? The captain called him and his friends a think tank. Kuros, I think his name was."   
  
"Yeah, what about him?" Tom asked, his eyes drifting closed.   
  
"That's who George reminds me of! Don't you see the similarity?" Harry asked his sleepy friend.   
  
"No... I don't... you're crazy..." Tom's eyelids fluttered shut and he began to snore softly.   
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Computer, what time is it?" he asked aloud. A reply was given to him, and he gasped when he realized how late it was. His duty shift was scheduled to begin in less than ten minutes. "Oh no oh no oh no!" he said to himself as he rushed around Tom's quarters, trying to find his uniform jacket. Finally he spied it lying in a crumpled heap in one corner. Tom must have thrown it there. Kim snatched it up and began pulling his arms through the sleeves. Suddenly a sharp stomach pain hit him, no doubt caused by the types of food he had ingested. He collapsed to the floor. "Ohh… maybe Tom should have replicated some antacid…" he groaned, clutching his abdomen. Soon the pain subsided, and he headed to the bridge.   
  
He arrived at the door, breathless, and burst in. Immediately several curious faces turned toward him. "Ensign?" Tuvok asked.   
  
"I'm on time... right?" Harry asked worriedly.   
  
"I believe your duty shift is in Astrometrics this morning." When he noticed Harry's hesitation, the Vulcan added, "Do you need assistance?"   
  
"Uh, no. I'm just a little confused." Kim muttered and backed out into the corridor. His cheeks were flushed beet red. He had never felt more embarrassed in his life. Of course his duty shift was in Astrometrics! How could he have forgotten? He had been working that shift once a week for more than three years!   
  
He raised a cooling hand to his flaming cheeks and scurried off in the direction of the Astrometrics lab.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
Seven was working on decoding a complex algorithm in Astrometrics when a panting Harry Kim trotted into the room. "You're late," she announced in a matter-of-fact tone.   
  
"I know; I'm sorry," Harry answered, hanging his head.   
  
"Were you in a fight?" Seven asked, pointing to his uniform.   
  
Kim looked down at his clothing and remembered his rumpled jacket. "No... It's a long story," he sighed. "And it really doesn't matter; there's no one for me to impress."   
  
"That is not an excuse for poor hygiene."   
  
"I know," he mumbled.   
  
"You can begin by bringing this data to B'Elanna in Engineering," Seven ordered, changing the subject. She handed Harry a PADD.   
  
He gave a brisk nod and left the room. Seven watched him leave and then turned back to her console. Something Ensign Kim had said had made her think. He said he had no one to impress, but that was inaccurate. She was there. Harry's behavior had been uncharacteristic. Humans seemed to care a great deal about their outer appearances, especially if a member of the opposite sex was present. She recalled when she had been preparing for her date with Lieutenant Chapman, The Doctor had come into Cargo Bay Two and suggested that she do something different with her hair and clothing.   
  
Perhaps she was not putting enough effort into _her_ appearance. That could be part of the reason The Doctor failed to acknowledge her as a possible mate.   
  
It was far from out of the question.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
Harry winced as another wave of nausea hit him. He leaned heavily against the corridor wall outside of Engineering. Kim took a long, deep breath, and attempted to swallow the large lump that was threatening to slide up his esophagus. Finally the feeling passed, and he continued into Engineering.   
  
B'Elanna seemed to be quite busy. When she saw him, she snapped, "What is it?"   
  
Harry suddenly felt very dizzy. He got a strange expression on his face and thrust out his hand to give her the PADD. "Here-- take this. It's for you," he said quickly, and then added, "I--I think I'm going to be sick…" He dropped down to the floor as the nausea overcame him, and threw up, mostly on B'Elanna's boots. He stood up awkwardly. "Oh, gosh… I--I'm really sorry…"   
  
"I don't have time for this!" B'Elanna said impatiently. "I'll bet it was Tom who put you up to it, right?"   
  
Harry felt weak and confused. "What are you talking about?"   
  
"Oh, come on. I've been to the joke booth. I've seen this stuff there. Tom told me the fake vomit was one of his biggest sellers." She pointed down at her feet. "It doesn't even look real."   
  
"No, B'Elanna, you don't understand…" Harry started, but she cut him off.   
  
"I understand well enough. It's just an infantile prank, just like the rubber banana peel in the hallway this morning. I slipped on it and nearly broke my neck. Now I'm very busy, so please collect your toy. I need to be getting back to work. Tell Tom his joke didn't work."   
  
Harry's skin was beginning to take on a greenish tone. "B'Elanna--"   
  
She let out a loud huff and reached down to pick up what she believed to be just a piece of brown rubber. The moment her hand came in contact with the substance, however, she retracted quickly. "Oh!" It was warm and sticky, and indeed real.   
  
"I tried to tell you," Harry said. "I'm really sick…"   
  
"Maybe you should get down to Sickbay," B'Elanna said more softly. "_I'll_ clean this--" She shook her head as she changed her mind. "I'll get _someone_ to clean this up."   
  
"Okay," Harry replied weakly and left for Sickbay.   
  
  
  


* * * * * 

  
  
  
Tom, B'Elanna and Harry almost didn't recognize the mess hall as they arrived there for the talent show. It was decorated with colorful streamers and balloons and the room glowed in a soft purple light. "Boy, Neelix really outdid himself this time," Harry commented.   
  
Most of Voyager's crewmembers were also present, including all nine of Voyager's senior officers, even Janeway herself. Everyone was milling around and speaking with friends. Tom, B'Elanna and Harry walked from table to table, glancing at the names that indicated where everyone was to sit. Finally they approached a table near the front and saw _their_ names. It was a table for eight, and they noticed that they were to be joined by The Doctor, Claire Jenkins, Seven, John Phillips, and Tal Celes. The trio took their seats.   
  
"Great; we're stuck at the loser table," Tom joked.   
  
B'Elanna gave him a Look and turned to Harry. "So, are you sure you're feeling better?" she asked him. "Maybe you should get some more rest." B'Elanna felt guilty for being so rude to him the day before.   
  
"No, I'm fine," he answered. "The Doctor gave me a shot of something with a hypospray and I was better than new in no time at all. But he insisted I take the rest of the day off. So I caught up on my sleep. Now I'm ready to party!" He grinned.   
  
Tom looked again at the nametags and realized that The Doctor and Jenkins were seated next to one another. "So he decided to take my advice after all," he said under his breath.   
  
Just then Ensign Phillips sauntered up to the table. "Neelix told me we're sitting with you guys," he said.   
  
"We?" B'Elanna asked.   
  
"Yeah, me and my date, Seven."   
  
B'Elanna and Harry looked surprised, but Tom smiled. It was obvious to him what Seven was trying to do. She was trying to turn the tables and make The Doctor jealous. Either that or she actually _liked_ this dufus Phillips.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
"Phillips? I'm surprised to see _you_ again," The Doctor called out as he neared the table, arm in arm with Claire Jenkins. He did not look happy to see the young man, since he knew he was there with Seven.   
  
Phillips' expression mirrored that of The Doctor's. It was obvious that there was no love lost between the two of them. "I see you found yourself a date," he pointed out.   
  
"Yes. Claire, this is Ensign John Phillips, Harry Kim, B'Elanna Torres, and Tom Paris."   
  
Jenkins laughed. "I know them all, Doctor. I've worked shifts with them before."   
  
The Doctor flushed. "Well, in that case, let's go look for our seats."   
  
Harry spoke up. "Actually, I think you're here at this table with us."   
  
"Great," the hologram replied half-heartedly. "Who else is at this table? Besides Seven, of course."   
  
"Ensign Celes."   
  
"I wonder how Seven will like that," B'Elanna put in. "I know she's not very fond of her."   
  
"Ask her yourself," Tom said, looking toward the door. "Here she comes." He let out a low whistle, and they all turned to stare.   
  
Seven was clad in a floor-length, slinky, scarlet gown. She looked the picture of perfection. Her hair fell loosely around her face in soft waves and it appeared that she had done something new with her makeup. The result was a more dramatic, sexy look. She was stunning.   
  
Harry found he couldn't take her eyes off of her. It was as if she were a magnet, drawing him to her. Tom noticed this and elbowed him sharply in the ribs. Kim finally looked away.   
  
Tom's rude action didn't help avert The Doctor's eyes, however. He stared openmouthed at the woman of his dreams. She looked more beautiful than he ever could have imagined.   
  
Jenkins was watching Seven's entrance also, but when she turned away and saw the awed look on her date's face, she knew she had to act fast. "Doctor," she began, distracting him, "perhaps we should go through one more practice for our duet. We _did_ only have one day to prepare."   
  
Her diversion seemed to have broken him from his trance-like state. "Uh, I don't think that's necessary," he told her. She nodded and changed the subject, trying to keep his attention away from the beautiful Seven for as long as possible.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
Seven spotted her date, John Phillips, at a table across the room. She was a bit startled to see The Doctor seated there with a young blonde woman. She felt disturbed and angry, but she remembered why she had agreed to go with Phillips in the first place. She wanted to make The Doctor jealous. She just hoped it would work.   
  
Seven walked over to the table and John stood to greet her. They hugged, and for a split second, she thought she saw a hint of emotion in The Doctor's eyes before he looked away. Then she sat down, voicing a polite 'hello' to the others at the table.   
  
"Seven, you look wonderful," B'Elanna told her. The invitation Neelix had given her had stated that the soiree was to be formal, but she herself had opted for a blue knee-length skirt with a plain white blouse. Tom, The Doctor, Ensign Phillips and Harry were all dressed in black tuxedos, and Claire Jenkins wore a sparkling ivory dress.   
  
"Thank you," Seven answered simply. She darted a quick glance around the table, and saw that The Doctor was looking at her. When she made eye contact, he again looked away.   
  
Jenkins introduced herself to Seven and then resumed her conversation with The Doctor.   
  
Not to be outdone, Seven turned to Phillips and initiated 'small talk' with _him_. She tried to appear confident and as if she were having the best time of her life with her date.   
  
From time to time, Seven glanced over at the hologram to see if he was looking her way. Desperately she searched for any sign that might indicate he was interested in her. But The Doctor didn't seem to be feeling one bit jealous. In fact, he seemed to be having a perfectly lovely time with Claire Jenkins. Seven felt foolish for ever believing Captain Janeway's strategy might work. It was obvious The Doctor didn't care about her romantically. Sure, he had seemed captivated by her appearance at first, but now he was back to chatting amicably with his date. Seven felt as if someone had reached into her chest and yanked her heart out.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
The Doctor listened patiently as Claire Jenkins chatted with him about everything under the sun. It was obvious that she was infatuated with him. The Doctor noticed out of the corner of his eye that Seven kept glancing over. 'Could she possibly be jealous?' he thought to himself excitedly. Seven sure seemed to be bothered by seeing him with Jenkins. He couldn't get over the fact that a piece of Tom Paris' advice actually seemed to be working.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
"Attention! Attention everyone!" Neelix clapped his hands together loudly and waited for the room to quiet down. When silence was achieved, he continued. "Please be seated, everyone. The first course is about to be served."   
  
Everybody who had been standing made their way to their designated seats. At Harry's table, Tom was shifting restlessly in his seat. "What's with you?" Kim asked.   
  
"Excuse me for a moment," Tom announced as he rose from his chair. He walked over to where Neelix was standing, taking a detour through the food area on his way. "Neelix! I just wanted to say thanks for letting me perform my stand-up routine tonight. I can't wait. I've got some killer material."   
  
"My pleasure, Mr. Paris." Neelix beamed.   
  
"The pleasure is all mine. I'm glad I can be a part of the show." Tom extended his hand for Neelix to shake.   
  
The Talaxian's hand eagerly clasped Tom's. The smile on his face quickly changed into a look of shock as his hand suddenly felt numb. He felt a stinging sensation and yanked his hand quickly away. "What was that?" he yelped.   
  
"A joy buzzer!" Tom exclaimed with glee. "Oh, you should have seen the look on your face..."   
  
Captain Janeway heard the commotion from her table across the way and approached the area. "Gentlemen," she said, "What's the problem?"   
  
Tom was laughing so hard he could barely speak. "I just used... a joy buzzer... on him!"   
  
Janeway smiled and glanced over at Neelix, who was still recovering. "I see. Are you alright, Neelix?"   
  
"Yes... I'm fine. Just surprised, that's all." To show he wasn't upset, he laughed a little.   
  
"Well, as long as you're alright. I know those things can be pretty shocking."   
  
Neelix nodded in response.   
  
Janeway pulled Paris aside to speak with him. "Tom, try to keep your pranks to a minimum tonight, okay?"   
  
"Okay," Tom answered resignedly. "I just have one more thing planned anyway. And it should happen any minute." He returned to his seat and waited.   
  
Several crewmembers designated as waiters began bringing plates of food out from the kitchen area. Tom looked around excitedly. Soon after everyone was served, a scream rang out. It was a female ensign, who had stood up on her chair and was pointing fearfully at her dish of spaghetti. "Oh my God!" she cried out. "There-- There's a _finger_ in my food!"   
  
Paris burst out into uncontrollable laughter. His friends began to realize what was going on. Tom had shoved a rubber finger into the vat of spaghetti before it had been served.   
  
Neelix rushed to the woman's aid, and soon she had calmed down. The experience had terrified her, however.   
  
Several people at surrounding tables began picking gingerly through their own food. They looked as if they had lost their appetites. Neelix began feeling nervous. It seemed as if the evening had begun to turn into a disaster. He decided something needed to be done. He again called for attention. "Um, we're going to speed things along a bit," he announced. "I'd like you to put your hands together for our first act of the evening. Our good friend The Doctor will be performing a duet with Ensign Claire Jenkins!"   
  
The Doctor was surprised that they were being called on so soon, but he understood the circumstances. He stood up and led Claire onto the raised platform that had been set up just for their song.   
  
  


* * * * *

  
  
Seven heard Neelix's announcement and her mouth fell open. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. Not only had The Doctor invited Claire Jenkins to be his date for the evening, but he had also arranged for them to sing a love ballad together? Singing duets was something she had felt was special and unique between The Doctor and herself. She was crushed. 

  
  
  
  


##### END OF PART SEVEN

####    
  


  
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	8. Part Eight

# The Joke War

##### by Michelle Paquette

#### Part Eight

  
  


#####  Seven quickly gave a fake smile to hide her dismay and clapped along with the others in the mess hall. The Doctor and Claire Jenkins stepped on stage, holding hands, and took a bow. The room quieted and the music began to play. It was an old love ballad from the mid-twentieth century. Jenkins sang first, her voice drifting beautifully through the room.   
  
Harry was so involved in listening to the music that he almost didn't notice Tal Celes enter the mess hall and look around the room, wide-eyed. She seemed embarrassed to be late, and her face colored as several people turned to stare. Tal quickly moved from table to table, frantically searching for the seat with her name on it. Harry tried to catch her attention by giving her a small wave. She caught a glimpse of him from the corner of her eye and squinted towards him. "Your seat is here!" he mouthed, but this only seemed to confuse her more.   
  
Tom had become distracted by Harry's antics, and tried to help out. He put his fingers to his lips and let out a loud, shrill whistle. This made quite a number of people jump in their seats. On stage, The Doctor was in the middle of a verse. The noise almost caused him to forget a few words, but he caught himself and continued with the song.   
  
Tom made a large pointing gesture, showing Tal Celes that she was to sit beside Harry. She nodded, and walked over to their table. Kim smiled at her as she sat down next to him, and she smiled back gratefully.   
  
Seven was annoyed by the confusion, and even more annoyed by the fact that Ensign John Phillips had taken it upon himself to clasp her hand in his. She grimaced at the feel of his cold, clammy skin on hers. Then she glanced back at the stage, just in time to see a look of adoration pass between The Doctor and Jenkins as the final syllables of their song rang out. Seven felt sick.   
  
As the final notes died away, there was loud applause. Neelix rushed up onto the stage. "Bravo! Bravo!" he cried out. "Thank you, Doctor! Thank you, Miss Jenkins!" He grinned widely and waited for the room to quiet down. "Now, I'm pleased to present to you the comedy stylings of Mr. Tom Paris!"   
  
Loud applause started up again, and Tom rose slowly from his chair. The Doctor and Claire stepped off the stage and began to walk back towards where they were seated. Claire noticed a friend waving to her from another table, so she motioned to The Doctor that she was going to speak with her.   
  
The Doctor nodded absently and watched her walk away.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
Seven took a deep breath and turned again to look at The Doctor and Jenkins. The hologram was standing alone, looking off to the side, and she followed his gaze to where Claire was standing, speaking with a group of young officers at a nearby table. She shifted her eyes back to The Doctor. As she watched him from across the room, she felt a lump rise in her throat. She wanted him so much. Wanted to hold him, to speak with him; just to be near him. Without The Doctor, she was lost. Seven realized that now. And now it was too late to come forward with her feelings. The Doctor could not feel the same for her. It was obvious from the way he was staring at his date.   
  
As she looked on, The Doctor's gaze moved from the young blonde ensign. He turned his head slowly to the right, to look directly at Seven. She froze, unable to look away from him. In that instant, she felt as if he could see right through her. She felt so transparent, like The Doctor could tell exactly how she was feeling inside.   
  
Seven closed her eyes tightly, and when she reopened them, she had changed her expression to one of indifference. She just couldn't let The Doctor see just how much she cared. Exposing her feelings would only cause her pain and rejection. Seven raised her chin higher, and broke eye contact with the hologram, to show she didn't care whatsoever.   
  
But she did care. She cared ever so much. And that is why she looked back at him. The Doctor had such a look of disappointment on his face that Seven immediately felt guilty. Despite her romantic feelings for him, The Doctor was still her friend and trusted mentor. It wasn't his fault that he had no idea what was going on inside her heart and mind.   
  
Seven watched with despair as the hologram looked at her sadly and turned to leave the room. He walked out the mess hall doors without a glance backward.   
  
'What have I done?' Seven thought to herself. 'I must find The Doctor and speak with him.' She threw a quick apologetic glance at John Phillips and pried her hand from his viselike grip. Then she stood up and left the room as quickly and inconspicuously as she could. Once she stepped outside the doors, Seven paused and looked down each side of the corridor. She caught a fleeting glimpse of The Doctor turning a corner to the left, apparently heading toward the turbolift.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
Tom hopped up onto the talent show stage and took a deep bow. The applause grew louder and intermingled with the clapping came the sound of several catcall whistles from a few female crewmembers. Tom grinned widely, but back at his table B'Elanna shot threatening glances around the room.   
  
Neelix brought over a standing microphone from the side of the room and handed it to Tom. Paris grabbed it and immediately switched it on. He had insisted that the microphone be replicated to make his stand up act more reminiscent of the late twentieth century.   
  
"So, who here's from out of town...?" Tom began.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
Seven made up the strides separating her from The Doctor in just a few seconds. She trotted up behind him, breathless, just as he was entering the turbolift. The Doctor spun around and sighed when he saw who it was. "What do you want, Seven?" he asked resignedly, as he continued to step into the lift.   
  
Seven caught her breath and followed him inside. The door slid shut behind them and she said abruptly, "I need to speak with you."   
  
"Computer, pause turbolift," The Doctor announced aloud. "What about?" he asked, turning towards her. He felt very passive, not at all like his usual self, almost as if he were fatigued.   
  
Seven looked down for a moment, and then summoned her courage and looked directly at her friend. "When I saw you with Ensign Jenkins this evening… I felt... disturbed."   
  
The Doctor furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"   
  
"I found myself wishing you were… with _me_, instead." There; she'd said it. Seven braced herself for his response.   
  
The Doctor couldn't believe his ears. Here he had been thinking Seven couldn't care less about him, let alone who he spent time with. The whole reason he had asked Claire Jenkins to the talent show was to make Seven jealous, and it had worked! It was unbelievable. "You... me..." he stuttered.   
  
"I felt empty," Seven continued on in a rush, "I felt as if _I_ should be at your side, rather than her. Please-- I need you... and I don't believe I can go on if you do not feel the same." She got choked up as tears welled up in her eyes. She had finally revealed her feelings. Now she could only try to cope with The Doctor's rejection.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
Tom replaced the microphone back into its holder and took a deep bow. There was a second's delay and then applause could be heard scattered throughout the room. Tom looked puzzled as he walked back to his table.   
  
"Was I that bad?" Paris whispered to B'Elanna and Harry as he took his seat.   
  
"Well..." Harry started.   
  
"Don't you think your material is a little outdated?" B'Elanna blurted out.   
  
"Outdated?" Tom repeated incredulously. ""Seinfeld"'s a classic! It will never be outdated!"   
  
B'Elanna shrugged.   
  
Paris shook his head and laughed. "Everyone's a critic."   
  
Suddenly B'Elanna noticed something. "Hey, where did you get that cake?" she asked Tom. "_I_ didn't get any." He had a plate with a delicious-looking dessert in his hand.   
  
"Let's just say I 'borrowed' it from Neelix's kitchen," Tom replied, digging into his prize. "I think it's supposed to make an appearance later."   
  
Harry and B'Elanna laughed.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
Claire Jenkins finished speaking with her friend and began to walk back toward her table. She saw Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Tal Celes, and John Phillips seated there, but no Doctor. Seven of Nine' s seat was also unoccupied. "Where did my date go?" Jenkins asked out loud as she got closer.   
  
Tom shifted his attention from his fudge cake and answered, "I saw him leave right after you two finished singing. Seven followed him out..." He raised his eyebrow and in his tone was the unspoken intimation that they were to be left alone.   
  
"Hmm…" Claire pondered. She shrugged her shoulders and sat down 'You win some, you lose some,' she thought to herself. 'Too bad, though; that hologram was pretty hot...'   
  
Harry turned to Jenkins. "You did a great job up there."   
  
"You mean the song?" she asked.   
  
"Yeah. You have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard."   
  
Claire blushed slightly and giggled at Harry. "Really? Thanks."   
  
"Yeah, you do. And you look wonderful tonight, by the way..."   
  
Claire giggled again and batted her eyelashes. "Thanks, Harry."   
  


* * * * *

  
  
The Doctor simply stared at Seven for a few moments, stunned. She stood beside him, eyes to the ground, breathing rapidly. He could tell she was nervous, as was he. "Seven," he began slowly, "What does this mean?" With his hand he tilted her chin upward gently so he could look into her eyes. "Are you... Are you in love with me?"   
  
Seven was unable to speak. She had a lump in her throat and she felt as if she were about to cry. She nodded.   
  
The Doctor was speechless.   
  
"How do you feel about me? Do you love me as well?" Seven whispered.   
  
The Doctor slowly brought his face closer to hers and kissed her softly on the mouth. "Yes. I care about you more than anything."   
  
Seven returned the kiss.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
"Let's hear it for our last act! Thank you, Lieutenant Taylor! You did beautifully!" Neelix shouted over the applause as Taylor exited the stage. "Now, everyone, please stay and enjoy the lovely dessert I've prepared: quadruple-fudge six layer dream cake!"   
  
Captain Janeway stood up and made her way to the center of the room. She carried with her a half-filled champagne glass. "Could I have your attention, please?" she announced. The din quieted and she raised her glass high in the air. "I would like to propose a toast to Neelix, who has succeeded in producing what I believe to be Voyager's best talent show yet. Thank you, Neelix." She paused as everyone in the room raised their glasses in the Talaxian's direction to praise him. Then she smiled widely and strode back to her seat.   
  
Janeway raised her head high and sat down gracefully. The endeavor was unsuccessful, however, because as she lowered herself onto the chair a loud farting sound emanated from it. She stood back up abruptly, her face coloring with embarrassment.   
  
Laughter came from all tables in the mess hall. Almost everyone had seen the incident. Janeway slowly and methodically turned her head to look around the room. Finally her stone cold gaze came to rest upon Tom Paris. She heard her first officer beside her clearing his throat, preparing to speak. "Not now, Chakotay," she snapped.   
  
"Mr. Paris," she said in a loud monotone, "I wish to speak with you outside, _immediately_." Without waiting for a reply, the captain turned on her heel and departed the mess hall. Tom followed sheepishly.   
  
Once the doors closed behind them, Janeway spun around to face Tom. "What did you think you were doing?" she blurted out accusingly. "You embarrassed me in there in front of my entire crew!"   
  
"Seven and The Doctor left, so _they_ didn't see you," Paris retorted. Janeway glared at him, and he lost his composure. "It wasn't me, I _swear_," he whined.   
  
"Who else would do such a thing? You're the only one I know who's capable."   
  
"Um, Captain..." came a quiet voice from behind them. It was Chakotay. She turned to him.   
  
"What is it, Commander?" Her voice sounded harsher than she intended for it to.   
  
"I'm afraid I have something to confess." He looked down at the floor. "_I_ was the one who put that whoopee cushion on your seat."   
  
Janeway stared at him openmouthed. She looked at Tom, and then back at Chakotay. "Thank you for your honesty, Commander," she said quietly. "Could you leave us alone for a moment?"   
  
"Certainly." He walked back into the mess hall.   
  
Tom watched him leave and then turned back to his captain. "I told you I didn't--" he began.   
  
"I realize that now," Janeway said with a sigh. "I'm sorry I was so quick to put the blame on you. But you _do_ understand that you've performed more than your share of pranks. I had the right to be suspicious."   
  
"I guess so," Tom admitted.   
  
"Anyway, I think it's time for these high jinks to stop. Are we agreed?" She raised her eyebrow.   
  
"Yeah..." Tom answered grudgingly.   
  
"Good. I'm glad we concur," Janeway stated. "Now, I think I'm done for the night. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my ready room."   
  
Tom nodded and watched her leave. After she was out of earshot, he shook his head. "It was fun while it lasted..." he said wistfully, and then reentered the mess hall.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
Captain Janeway marched over to the turbolift. The doors did not slide open, and this aggravated her. "Computer, open turbolift doors; _now_," she demanded.   
  
"Unable to comply. The turbolift is paused between decks."   
  
This puzzled Janeway, but she didn't care. "Bring the lift back to Deck Two and open the doors," she ordered.   
  
The computer complied, and the turbolift was returned to Deck Two. The doors slid open to reveal Seven and The Doctor entwined in an embrace, passionately kissing one another. They broke apart quickly, with guilty looks on their faces.   
  
Captain Janeway stared at them, openmouthed. She couldn't believe what she had just seen.   
  
"Uh, Captain, uh, hello," The Doctor stammered, wiping his hand across his mouth.   
  
"Hello, Doctor. Seven." Janeway nodded at the pair. "Sorry for the interruption." A grin spread across her face. She looked over at Seven and gave her an obvious conspiratorial wink. Seven smiled back.   
  
The captain figured just this once she could take the long way to her quarters. There was turbolift at the other end of the corridor. "Well, I'll leave you two alone. As you were..." she ordered playfully.   
  
The turbolift doors closed and Captain Janeway walked down the hall, smiling to herself.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
B'Elanna and Tom made their way out of the mess hall early, before the rest of the crowd decided to leave. They strolled down the empty corridor, chatting amicably.   
  
"You know, I still have tons of leftovers from my "Seinfeld" marathon..." Tom said. "Wanna go on a picnic tomorrow?"   
  
"Sounds good to me," B'Elanna answered. They approached the turbolift at the end of the hall and waited for it to arrive. When it seemed to be taking too long, B'Elanna asked the computer what was keeping it.   
  
"The turbolift is paused at Deck Two."   
  
"Is there anyone in it?" Torres asked.   
  
"There are two occupants: Seven of Nine and The Emergency Medical Hologram."   
  
Tom and B'Elanna exchanged a glance. "I guess things worked out," Tom said with a laugh.   
  
"Either that, or they're killing each other in there," B'Elanna suggested.   
  
The two laughed and took the long way to Tom's quarters.   
  


* * * * *

  
  
The Doctor and Seven smiled at each other in the turbolift. They had found each other, at last, and both were glad they did not have to hide their love anymore. They could be together now, and that was wonderful.   
  
The Doctor let down Seven's hair, and ran his fingers through the silky strands. "I love you so much, Seven," he told her.   
  
Seven drew closer to the hologram and nuzzled against him. She didn't speak; she just laid her head on The Doctor's shoulder and kissed him tenderly on the neck.   
  
  
  


THE END   
  
Tell me what you thought of "The Joke War" - [hothologram@doctor.com][1]   
  


  
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